Ok, I sent a text at about 9:30 that said,
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!"
and I didn't hear back.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Madder by the day....
This is his plan!
He isn't calling me because he knows I'll get madder as each day passes!
It is working. I'm pissed.
OR he thinks I'll call him when I'm ready. I won't. At least not right now. I'm getting good at not calling him first.
He isn't calling me because he knows I'll get madder as each day passes!
It is working. I'm pissed.
OR he thinks I'll call him when I'm ready. I won't. At least not right now. I'm getting good at not calling him first.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Sad, mad, and HURT
OK, our last words on Thursday were:
Me: I hope you'll call me.
Him: I will. I'll give you a few days before I do.
OK......that was Thursday. I didn't expect to hear from him over the weekend, but COME ON! It is Monday night---HE SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME BY NOW!
So now, I'm worrying.....
1. Has he not called me because he thinks I'm still too upset?
2. Has he not called me because he is too upset?
3. Does he think I'm mad?
4. Is he mad?
What is funny. Today, I was thinking that maybe I'd ask him if we could just consider this a break and reconsider in January. I hate that I'm all or nothing, but wanting to wait. I hate that he has done this me!
Me: I hope you'll call me.
Him: I will. I'll give you a few days before I do.
OK......that was Thursday. I didn't expect to hear from him over the weekend, but COME ON! It is Monday night---HE SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME BY NOW!
So now, I'm worrying.....
1. Has he not called me because he thinks I'm still too upset?
2. Has he not called me because he is too upset?
3. Does he think I'm mad?
4. Is he mad?
What is funny. Today, I was thinking that maybe I'd ask him if we could just consider this a break and reconsider in January. I hate that I'm all or nothing, but wanting to wait. I hate that he has done this me!
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Saturday, December 02, 2006
2 days now....new acrostic
Mad
Angry
Ranting and raving
Yearning to yell
Annoyed
Livid
Infuriated
Cross
Enraged
Angry
Ranting and raving
Yearning to yell
Annoyed
Livid
Infuriated
Cross
Enraged
Friday, December 01, 2006
How to react...
So, he is supposed to call me in a few days.
I hope he doesn't. I can't be just friends. I told him from the start, ALL OR NOTHING.
When he does, what do I say? I cannot act like the last 5 months haven't happened. I cannot cry and beg him to reconsider. (Like I would do that, anyway.)
I guess there really isn't anything TO say. If I yell, all that does is make me look bad. If I don't say anything, well then, he can't say anything bad about me. That's really what I want....him to be the idiot who doesn't know what he gave up. NO--I want him to be the idiot who kicks himself for what he gave up.
I hope he doesn't. I can't be just friends. I told him from the start, ALL OR NOTHING.
When he does, what do I say? I cannot act like the last 5 months haven't happened. I cannot cry and beg him to reconsider. (Like I would do that, anyway.)
I guess there really isn't anything TO say. If I yell, all that does is make me look bad. If I don't say anything, well then, he can't say anything bad about me. That's really what I want....him to be the idiot who doesn't know what he gave up. NO--I want him to be the idiot who kicks himself for what he gave up.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
acrostic
Mourning the loss of a friendship/relationship
Angry at him for not seeing my value
Really destroyed
Yearning to be loved
Always left out
Loves, but not loved
Injured heart
Can’t understand
Entirely broken hearted
Angry at him for not seeing my value
Really destroyed
Yearning to be loved
Always left out
Loves, but not loved
Injured heart
Can’t understand
Entirely broken hearted
My heart is broken....
Please send hate mail to garyaharrah@yahoo.com
Make the subject: You stupid idiot.
Make the message say: You have no idea what you have just tossed away. You will never, never, never find someone better than Mary Alice. You won't get her back either. And all that crap you were saying about valuing the friendship and hoping it continues...? Kiss it goodbye, too because she will not be friends with you after you have broken her heart. Another thing...don't think that she bought that shit you were selling about how you don't like how you were treating her so you didn't want to do it anymore. You were right about one thing - she doesn't deserve to be treated like this!
I don't like having a broken heart.
Make the subject: You stupid idiot.
Make the message say: You have no idea what you have just tossed away. You will never, never, never find someone better than Mary Alice. You won't get her back either. And all that crap you were saying about valuing the friendship and hoping it continues...? Kiss it goodbye, too because she will not be friends with you after you have broken her heart. Another thing...don't think that she bought that shit you were selling about how you don't like how you were treating her so you didn't want to do it anymore. You were right about one thing - she doesn't deserve to be treated like this!
I don't like having a broken heart.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Good News? Bad News? News News?
Ok, went to the doctor.
1. Blood tests came back fine.....my hormones are good. (?)
2. Ultrasound came back....3.3 cm cyst on remaining ovary. Will watch for 3 months and have another ultrasound.
3. Mammogram came back....lumps were just dense cells.
4. Had the pap smear today.....wasn't easy....apparently a "tilted cervix" makes life difficult. The doctor THINKS she got what she needs. I need to call back in week (if I don't hear) to see if she was able to get the right stuff. If yes, and results were good, I can start birth control pills to regulate my menses---and avoid pregnancy, should Gary change his mind. If no, I have to go to a specialist who knows how to deal with weirdo cervixes.
Good news? Bad news? You decide.
1. Blood tests came back fine.....my hormones are good. (?)
2. Ultrasound came back....3.3 cm cyst on remaining ovary. Will watch for 3 months and have another ultrasound.
3. Mammogram came back....lumps were just dense cells.
4. Had the pap smear today.....wasn't easy....apparently a "tilted cervix" makes life difficult. The doctor THINKS she got what she needs. I need to call back in week (if I don't hear) to see if she was able to get the right stuff. If yes, and results were good, I can start birth control pills to regulate my menses---and avoid pregnancy, should Gary change his mind. If no, I have to go to a specialist who knows how to deal with weirdo cervixes.
Good news? Bad news? You decide.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Dumb, Dumb, Dumb
So, once again, I tried to kiss Gary and he kissed me once and then turned his head.
I said, "why, why do you do that?"
He said, "What?"
I said, "Kiss me and then turn your head. It makes me feel like you don't want to."
He said, "It isn't that."
I said, "well, it makes me feel like you don't like me."
He said, "OH."
Could he seriously be so dumb as to think that by him "holding out" for the last 4 weeks that I wouldn't feel rejected?
I can't believe that I feel like the teenage boy whose girlfriend is a tease.
I said, "why, why do you do that?"
He said, "What?"
I said, "Kiss me and then turn your head. It makes me feel like you don't want to."
He said, "It isn't that."
I said, "well, it makes me feel like you don't like me."
He said, "OH."
Could he seriously be so dumb as to think that by him "holding out" for the last 4 weeks that I wouldn't feel rejected?
I can't believe that I feel like the teenage boy whose girlfriend is a tease.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Redemption?
Ok, so I talked to Gary again last night.
I feel better, but that happens.
This last month has been SO STRESSFUL for our relationship. I hate that my posts are not positive. They used to be.
He is coming home today instead of tomorrow---I knew that would happen. I made plans with my friend Carrie for tonight. He wasn't supposed to be home. He sounded disappointed when I said I was busy--I DON'T GET IT!
I feel better, but that happens.
This last month has been SO STRESSFUL for our relationship. I hate that my posts are not positive. They used to be.
He is coming home today instead of tomorrow---I knew that would happen. I made plans with my friend Carrie for tonight. He wasn't supposed to be home. He sounded disappointed when I said I was busy--I DON'T GET IT!
I wish there was an easy way to be in a relationship.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Happy Thanksgiving
1. Does anyone actually read this ? I haven't had a comment in days!
2. Happy Thanksgiving. I'm stuffed. I didn't even eat any stuffing.
3. Inconsiderate. That's my latest description of my little bf. I had all of those tests yesterday, cried for a week about them, made him feel the LUMP, and he didn't even call me to see how they went. We talk every single day. Yesterday, our communication consisted of me sending a text wondering if he had made it safe to his Thanksgiving destination and him saying yes and then him sending me a text much later in the evening to say that he had joined the Legion. (This last part tells me that he was drinking there to celebrate the membership!) Finally, around 11:00, I sent him a text that said, "Can you believe that my bf didn't even call me to see how my tests went?" This morning, first thing, I get a call that starts with "I'm so sorry." He tried to say that he didn't know I would get results --LIKE IT MATTERS--when someone who is 31 gets a mammogram for the first time, it does not matter if she gets results. I cried for a week about these tests. I told him on Tuesday that he makes me feel insecure because he doesn't seem to care (which he debated) and THEN HE DOESN'T CALL ME! He was so apologetic. Finally, he said, "You are mad." I said, "Not mad, hurt and ...." He said, "disappointed." HELL YES! Is it wrong to want a boyfriend who understands your fear and wants to reassure you and check on you! I AM NOT NEEDY, but this was important!
4. I feel like all I do lately is write about how I don't feel good in this relationship. I've been thinking lately that maybe I need to take a break. I love him and want to be with him, but do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? The answer is NO. Actually the answer is "I DESERVE MORE!"
5. I think I'm going to put up my tree and put the lights on it, then take a little nap.
Happy Thanksgiving
2. Happy Thanksgiving. I'm stuffed. I didn't even eat any stuffing.
3. Inconsiderate. That's my latest description of my little bf. I had all of those tests yesterday, cried for a week about them, made him feel the LUMP, and he didn't even call me to see how they went. We talk every single day. Yesterday, our communication consisted of me sending a text wondering if he had made it safe to his Thanksgiving destination and him saying yes and then him sending me a text much later in the evening to say that he had joined the Legion. (This last part tells me that he was drinking there to celebrate the membership!) Finally, around 11:00, I sent him a text that said, "Can you believe that my bf didn't even call me to see how my tests went?" This morning, first thing, I get a call that starts with "I'm so sorry." He tried to say that he didn't know I would get results --LIKE IT MATTERS--when someone who is 31 gets a mammogram for the first time, it does not matter if she gets results. I cried for a week about these tests. I told him on Tuesday that he makes me feel insecure because he doesn't seem to care (which he debated) and THEN HE DOESN'T CALL ME! He was so apologetic. Finally, he said, "You are mad." I said, "Not mad, hurt and ...." He said, "disappointed." HELL YES! Is it wrong to want a boyfriend who understands your fear and wants to reassure you and check on you! I AM NOT NEEDY, but this was important!
4. I feel like all I do lately is write about how I don't feel good in this relationship. I've been thinking lately that maybe I need to take a break. I love him and want to be with him, but do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? The answer is NO. Actually the answer is "I DESERVE MORE!"
5. I think I'm going to put up my tree and put the lights on it, then take a little nap.
Happy Thanksgiving
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Medical Questions ?
Ok, just got home from the mammogram.
The doctor who read the pictures says, "Well, nothing showed up and if you aren't feeling anything (which I told him that I felt it after my doctor pointed it out) then I won't order an ultrasound. If your doctor wants to do that, she can. I think it is normal. " SO--this confuses me a little. My doctor pointed it out and I do feel it.
I see my doctor next Wednesday. I'm going to say this to her: "If you felt it and I felt it, why is there nothing on the pictures?"
The doctor who read the pictures says, "Well, nothing showed up and if you aren't feeling anything (which I told him that I felt it after my doctor pointed it out) then I won't order an ultrasound. If your doctor wants to do that, she can. I think it is normal. " SO--this confuses me a little. My doctor pointed it out and I do feel it.
I see my doctor next Wednesday. I'm going to say this to her: "If you felt it and I felt it, why is there nothing on the pictures?"
Monday, November 20, 2006
Denise Austin - HATE HER!
OK, so I'm on this "Reader Advisory Panel" for Women's Health magazine.
I participate in discussions about women's issues.
I just got a new fitness DVD in the mail. I'm to try it three times and fill out a questionnaires. I just did it for the first time. I haven't done Denise for a while. She is good....but so perky that it seems she might be possessed? Have you seen those eyes? She does this one rotating move on a fitness ball and is moaning these words of encouragement.....I thought I was watching a porno! I know it sounded like one!
I participate in discussions about women's issues.
I just got a new fitness DVD in the mail. I'm to try it three times and fill out a questionnaires. I just did it for the first time. I haven't done Denise for a while. She is good....but so perky that it seems she might be possessed? Have you seen those eyes? She does this one rotating move on a fitness ball and is moaning these words of encouragement.....I thought I was watching a porno! I know it sounded like one!
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
HIS PARENTS...
are so nice.
I had fun and I think they liked me.
I'm anxious to get the report tomorrow, although men aren't so good at reporting.
I had fun and I think they liked me.
I'm anxious to get the report tomorrow, although men aren't so good at reporting.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Don't neglect thyself.
So, I haven't been to the OBGYN for 16 years.
I went today.
After my initial scolding, here is the conclusion:
1. must return in 2 weeks for pap smear.
2. must have ultrasound next week due to history of ovarian cysts.
3. must have blood work due to history of ovarian cysts.
4. must have mammogram due to lump found in breast.
I cried.
Now, I have to find out where to get blood work, where to get mammograms, and how to keep myself together.
I'm not telling my parents.
I went today.
After my initial scolding, here is the conclusion:
1. must return in 2 weeks for pap smear.
2. must have ultrasound next week due to history of ovarian cysts.
3. must have blood work due to history of ovarian cysts.
4. must have mammogram due to lump found in breast.
I cried.
Now, I have to find out where to get blood work, where to get mammograms, and how to keep myself together.
I'm not telling my parents.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Meet the Parents
I get to meet his parents next Friday.....
I'm so nervous!
What do I wear?
What do I say?
What do I eat? What do I drink?
Will I ever stop overthinking things?
I'm so nervous!
What do I wear?
What do I say?
What do I eat? What do I drink?
Will I ever stop overthinking things?
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