Saturday, November 18, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
HIS PARENTS...
are so nice.
I had fun and I think they liked me.
I'm anxious to get the report tomorrow, although men aren't so good at reporting.
I had fun and I think they liked me.
I'm anxious to get the report tomorrow, although men aren't so good at reporting.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Don't neglect thyself.
So, I haven't been to the OBGYN for 16 years.
I went today.
After my initial scolding, here is the conclusion:
1. must return in 2 weeks for pap smear.
2. must have ultrasound next week due to history of ovarian cysts.
3. must have blood work due to history of ovarian cysts.
4. must have mammogram due to lump found in breast.
I cried.
Now, I have to find out where to get blood work, where to get mammograms, and how to keep myself together.
I'm not telling my parents.
I went today.
After my initial scolding, here is the conclusion:
1. must return in 2 weeks for pap smear.
2. must have ultrasound next week due to history of ovarian cysts.
3. must have blood work due to history of ovarian cysts.
4. must have mammogram due to lump found in breast.
I cried.
Now, I have to find out where to get blood work, where to get mammograms, and how to keep myself together.
I'm not telling my parents.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Meet the Parents
I get to meet his parents next Friday.....
I'm so nervous!
What do I wear?
What do I say?
What do I eat? What do I drink?
Will I ever stop overthinking things?
I'm so nervous!
What do I wear?
What do I say?
What do I eat? What do I drink?
Will I ever stop overthinking things?
Thursday, November 09, 2006
It bothered him!
So, tonight, after 2 nights of not talking to Gary, I went to his apartment.
I told him that I had needed time to come to a few conclusions: 1. he needs to decide if he can get over this hurt and 2. I need to decide if I can wait for that.
His response? It would have been nice if you had told me that.
I said: I didn't want to cry anymore to you and I didn't want to rehash it.
He said: A text would have been nice.
I said I was sorry.
When I was leaving, I asked for a hug.
As he was hugging me, he said, "Don't ever do that again."
I feel so much better.
I told him that I had needed time to come to a few conclusions: 1. he needs to decide if he can get over this hurt and 2. I need to decide if I can wait for that.
His response? It would have been nice if you had told me that.
I said: I didn't want to cry anymore to you and I didn't want to rehash it.
He said: A text would have been nice.
I said I was sorry.
When I was leaving, I asked for a hug.
As he was hugging me, he said, "Don't ever do that again."
I feel so much better.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Planned Ignoring
OK, I cried myself to sleep last night.
I have decided, but couldn't tell him, yet, that I need a little break.
I can't talk to him every day and see him, yet not be appreciated.
So, I decided yesterday that I'm not taking his calls. (I know it is childish.)
He called me at 8:00 and I didn't take it. Then, he sent me a text at 8:45 and I didn't respond.
So, today, at 4:30, he calls me again and leaves another message. It sounded a little bit like he getting that I'm not calling him back.
I'm hoping that he doesn't call again tonight, because I'm afraid that I might answer.
I need to decide if I can wait for him and continue to feel nonappreciated.
I'm not sure that I can.
I have decided, but couldn't tell him, yet, that I need a little break.
I can't talk to him every day and see him, yet not be appreciated.
So, I decided yesterday that I'm not taking his calls. (I know it is childish.)
He called me at 8:00 and I didn't take it. Then, he sent me a text at 8:45 and I didn't respond.
So, today, at 4:30, he calls me again and leaves another message. It sounded a little bit like he getting that I'm not calling him back.
I'm hoping that he doesn't call again tonight, because I'm afraid that I might answer.
I need to decide if I can wait for him and continue to feel nonappreciated.
I'm not sure that I can.
Monday, November 06, 2006
He is scared.
Ok, we met at Dunkin Donuts (a neutral place) tonight.
I cried and he said, "Is this really the place to talk about this?"
We moved to my car and I said what I went to say:
1. It makes me feel bad when you don't appreciate my cards.
2. It makes me feel bad that you don't want to be with me on Thanksgiving.
3. If you don't see this going anywhere, you better let me know right now!
His response: "I am usually the one giving and not receiving and I don't know what to do when you are nice to me. I do appreciate the cards, but I don't know how to tell you. I don't know why I let you give to me, but I can't open up to you."
He said, "I do want to be with you, but I don't know why I can't open up."
I said, "Yes, you do know why! You don't want to get hurt like you were before."
He just hung his head.
We left things with him saying he needs time. He said that I'm good at giving him alone time and time with his friends. I asked if he feels like he HAS to be with me. He says, "No, but I hate being alone and you being alone in your apartment or you working on a Saturday."
He says that he doesn't want to lead me on. He says that he promises to tell me if he doesn't see this going anywhere and he apologized for making me feel this way.
One more thing: he says that I'm right that he is scared. ( Last week, he said that he doesn't know what is wrong with him and I said, "I think you like me and that scares you.")
I cried and he said, "Is this really the place to talk about this?"
We moved to my car and I said what I went to say:
1. It makes me feel bad when you don't appreciate my cards.
2. It makes me feel bad that you don't want to be with me on Thanksgiving.
3. If you don't see this going anywhere, you better let me know right now!
His response: "I am usually the one giving and not receiving and I don't know what to do when you are nice to me. I do appreciate the cards, but I don't know how to tell you. I don't know why I let you give to me, but I can't open up to you."
He said, "I do want to be with you, but I don't know why I can't open up."
I said, "Yes, you do know why! You don't want to get hurt like you were before."
He just hung his head.
We left things with him saying he needs time. He said that I'm good at giving him alone time and time with his friends. I asked if he feels like he HAS to be with me. He says, "No, but I hate being alone and you being alone in your apartment or you working on a Saturday."
He says that he doesn't want to lead me on. He says that he promises to tell me if he doesn't see this going anywhere and he apologized for making me feel this way.
One more thing: he says that I'm right that he is scared. ( Last week, he said that he doesn't know what is wrong with him and I said, "I think you like me and that scares you.")
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Perspective
OK, I've cried and prayed. I feel a calmness now. I have some perspective.
He is doing just what he did to me in July....Close, at least.
He said it last night...."Things were so intense and going so fast."
He likes me--no, he LOVES me and that scares him!
So, now, I am going to just pray and work on that for myself and make him BEG TO KISS ME!
He is doing just what he did to me in July....Close, at least.
He said it last night...."Things were so intense and going so fast."
He likes me--no, he LOVES me and that scares him!
So, now, I am going to just pray and work on that for myself and make him BEG TO KISS ME!
Monday, October 30, 2006
It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.
All I wanted was to know that I am important to him.
I told him that.
He felt bad.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
I cried some more.
I'm so tired of crying.
He says, "Well, I didn't want to insist that you see me tonight. I wanted to take you out to dinner." At 5:04 pm I got a text message that said, "you eat yet?" My friends had badgered me all day -- wanted to make sure that I wasn't alone tonight. At 5:00 I had agreed to have dinner with one of them. When I told him that I had plans, he said, "Ok." HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY OK! He is supposed to say that he had plans to take me out to dinner! I told him that. His response? "I'm not the type of person who says 'No, I wanted to be with you.'" I said, "Well, it made me feel like I'm not important to you."
This sucks.
I told him that.
He felt bad.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
I cried some more.
I'm so tired of crying.
He says, "Well, I didn't want to insist that you see me tonight. I wanted to take you out to dinner." At 5:04 pm I got a text message that said, "you eat yet?" My friends had badgered me all day -- wanted to make sure that I wasn't alone tonight. At 5:00 I had agreed to have dinner with one of them. When I told him that I had plans, he said, "Ok." HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY OK! He is supposed to say that he had plans to take me out to dinner! I told him that. His response? "I'm not the type of person who says 'No, I wanted to be with you.'" I said, "Well, it made me feel like I'm not important to you."
This sucks.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Bad Influence
Ok, so I'm feeling pretty bad about myself.
He has been a little grouchy lately.
I was getting the feeling that he didn't want to be with me.
I called him a little while ago. We had some small chit chat. Finally, I asked him if he was going to watch "the game" alone. He asked me if I wanted to watch it with him. I said, "Umm. Maybe. I get the feeling that you are feeling smothered by me." He said, "A little."
We went on to talk and he says he feels like he isn't focusing on God. He made sure to say that he wasn't totally blaming me (which means he is partially blaming me, I guess). He kept saying that he doesn't want our relationship to be like everyone else's. I made him tell me specifically what he meant. It all comes down to SEX. He acknowledged that he sends me mixed messages. Of course, I cried. I didn't want to, but the tears came out. I felt bad for my part in this and I felt bad because I didn't want it to change.
He wants to get a Christian dating book. I told him that I hate those books because they aren't designed for adults! They are written for teenagers and some of the things in there are unrealistic for adults.
So, now, I have a headache and I don't know what to do. To make matters worse, tomorrow is my birthday and I don't know if I'll see him. AND I don't know if I want to.
He kept asking if I was mad. Not mad, hurt.
Dating is hard.
He has been a little grouchy lately.
I was getting the feeling that he didn't want to be with me.
I called him a little while ago. We had some small chit chat. Finally, I asked him if he was going to watch "the game" alone. He asked me if I wanted to watch it with him. I said, "Umm. Maybe. I get the feeling that you are feeling smothered by me." He said, "A little."
We went on to talk and he says he feels like he isn't focusing on God. He made sure to say that he wasn't totally blaming me (which means he is partially blaming me, I guess). He kept saying that he doesn't want our relationship to be like everyone else's. I made him tell me specifically what he meant. It all comes down to SEX. He acknowledged that he sends me mixed messages. Of course, I cried. I didn't want to, but the tears came out. I felt bad for my part in this and I felt bad because I didn't want it to change.
He wants to get a Christian dating book. I told him that I hate those books because they aren't designed for adults! They are written for teenagers and some of the things in there are unrealistic for adults.
So, now, I have a headache and I don't know what to do. To make matters worse, tomorrow is my birthday and I don't know if I'll see him. AND I don't know if I want to.
He kept asking if I was mad. Not mad, hurt.
Dating is hard.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Stressed
Ok, I feel pulled in WAY too many directions.
School, extras, grad school, friends, roommate, boyfriend....etc.
Somethings gotta' give.
What do I do?
I spend so much time at school worrying about stuff that isn't classroom related. I think the classroom suffers.
HOW IN THE HELL DO I TELL MY BOSS THAT I CAN'T DO MY JOB BECAUSE OF MY JOB?
School, extras, grad school, friends, roommate, boyfriend....etc.
Somethings gotta' give.
What do I do?
I spend so much time at school worrying about stuff that isn't classroom related. I think the classroom suffers.
HOW IN THE HELL DO I TELL MY BOSS THAT I CAN'T DO MY JOB BECAUSE OF MY JOB?
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Space? Alone time?
Ok, it has never been a secret that he needs to be alone sometimes. My question is this: how can I give him time away from me without feeling rejected? I was away this weekend, which I know he was excited about. We decided to come home early--for multiple reasons. I could tell that he wasn't thrilled about that. I told him that we didn't have to see each other....which he was reluctant to agree to. He knew that I wanted to see him. I don't want him to resent me, though, so I said we didn't have to see each other. He told me that he didn't want to be a jerk, but he really just wanted to sit on his couch alone.
Fine. So, I'm trying to be ok with that. I'm watching TV, I'm playing on the computer, I'm thinking of calling someone else to go out with. Then, he sends me a text that says, "Thanks for being understanding." I wanted to scream, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I didn't respond at all. I think that if he wants alone time, we aren't going to talk during it. So, I watched the PSU game and did laundry.
Today, I get up and he sent me a text at 9:00 AM that said, "Brrr, can you help to warm me up?" (His apartment is cold.) It ticked me off. I sent him a response that said, "Tease."
I just don't get it. I don't get me, either.
Fine. So, I'm trying to be ok with that. I'm watching TV, I'm playing on the computer, I'm thinking of calling someone else to go out with. Then, he sends me a text that says, "Thanks for being understanding." I wanted to scream, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I didn't respond at all. I think that if he wants alone time, we aren't going to talk during it. So, I watched the PSU game and did laundry.
Today, I get up and he sent me a text at 9:00 AM that said, "Brrr, can you help to warm me up?" (His apartment is cold.) It ticked me off. I sent him a response that said, "Tease."
I just don't get it. I don't get me, either.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Damn it! Who prayed for patience for me?
You know I do not pray for patience....because God will make me wait for it.
I called the doctor today to schedule an appointment for a check-up and the birth control talk.
Guess how long I have to wait for an appointment----OVER A MONTH!
COME ON! Now, who is laughing ?
I guess this gives me some more time to think about my decision.
I called the doctor today to schedule an appointment for a check-up and the birth control talk.
Guess how long I have to wait for an appointment----OVER A MONTH!
COME ON! Now, who is laughing ?
I guess this gives me some more time to think about my decision.
Monday, October 09, 2006
oh, birth control
Holy cow.
It is so stressful to pick a woman doctor.
Why on earth is it so hard? I guess because God has a plan.
MAS
It is so stressful to pick a woman doctor.
Why on earth is it so hard? I guess because God has a plan.
MAS
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Birth Control
I hate that abstinence is the only 100% type of birth control. I hate that my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me because he doesn't want me to be pregnant.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
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