Distraction

OK, I'm nuts.
I agreed (suggested) to movies with Tom. (I'm nuts--I know!)
He came over tonight. I picked up pizza and he got the movie and pop.
We had a relaxing night with a few interruptions. The first? The neighbors upstairs "making whoopee." I heard the banging and Tom slowly looks at me and says, "....uh, I think your neighbors are...." "They are," I say! He says, "Want me to bang on the ceiling? I can reach." I say, "NO--I want you to turn up the TV!"

Number two? Someone trys to turn around in my driveway and gets stuck. Well, they want to back out and they keep sliding down. This is making Tom nervous as his truck would be what stopped them from sliding into my garage. Finally, he goes out and helps push them out of the driveway.

OK, so my point. I needed a distraction from missing Gary (although I was missing him the whole evening) and that's what I was doing with Tom. So, I decided (like I always do) that I don't need to be with him and that he isn't the one for me. ESPECIALLY because he was telling me about some girl named Melissa who he is going Christmas shopping with tomorrow.

The stunner was this: On his way out, he asked me to go to the movies on Sunday. I swear he has a 6th sense......when I don't want him, here he comes LOUD AND STRONG!

I'll never find someone like Gary.

I had to call him.

Sorry--I wasn't home last night to blog.
I called him Wednesday, around 5:00.
He answered, seemed pleasant, and said that he was cutting his Christmas tree at that moment and wanted to call me back. I said fine.
He called as I was walking into a Tastefully Simple party, so I asked him to call in a few hours.
We ended up talking around 9:00.

Many things were said. I guess what I got from it was that he doesn't care about me. He was trying to, but he didn't---at least that's what he said. He said that I was more invested than he was. I said, "what do you mean?" He said, "Our feelings weren't the same." I said, "You know I wasn't planning a wedding!" He said that he knew but that my feelings were growing and his weren't. I cried, which made me mad. I told him that I couldn't change my feelings. He said he knew that I was mad that he hadn't called me when he got my text. I said, "I'm not mad-- I want to be mad, but I'm just hurt and confused."

So, last night, I called to apologize. He didn't answer--not surprising. I just left a message that said that I didn't want all of our conversations to end like Wednesday's and that I would work harder to avoid that in the future.

I need to not call anymore though because I want to keep my dignity. I'm grasping at straws. At this point, I feel like I haven't done anything wrong. If I begin to go psycho, then he'll have reason to not want to be with me.

I hate that he did this to me.

TEXT

Ok, I sent a text at about 9:30 that said,
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!"


and I didn't hear back.

Madder by the day....

This is his plan!
He isn't calling me because he knows I'll get madder as each day passes!

It is working. I'm pissed.

OR he thinks I'll call him when I'm ready. I won't. At least not right now. I'm getting good at not calling him first.

Sad, mad, and HURT

OK, our last words on Thursday were:
Me: I hope you'll call me.
Him: I will. I'll give you a few days before I do.

OK......that was Thursday. I didn't expect to hear from him over the weekend, but COME ON! It is Monday night---HE SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME BY NOW!

So now, I'm worrying.....
1. Has he not called me because he thinks I'm still too upset?
2. Has he not called me because he is too upset?
3. Does he think I'm mad?
4. Is he mad?

What is funny. Today, I was thinking that maybe I'd ask him if we could just consider this a break and reconsider in January. I hate that I'm all or nothing, but wanting to wait. I hate that he has done this me!

His Acrostic

Good grief!
Asinine
Rash
Yellow bellied

2 days now....new acrostic

Mad
Angry
Ranting and raving
Yearning to yell

Annoyed
Livid
Infuriated
Cross
Enraged

How to react...

So, he is supposed to call me in a few days.
I hope he doesn't. I can't be just friends. I told him from the start, ALL OR NOTHING.
When he does, what do I say? I cannot act like the last 5 months haven't happened. I cannot cry and beg him to reconsider. (Like I would do that, anyway.)
I guess there really isn't anything TO say. If I yell, all that does is make me look bad. If I don't say anything, well then, he can't say anything bad about me. That's really what I want....him to be the idiot who doesn't know what he gave up. NO--I want him to be the idiot who kicks himself for what he gave up.

acrostic

Mourning the loss of a friendship/relationship
Angry at him for not seeing my value
Really destroyed
Yearning to be loved

Always left out
Loves, but not loved
Injured heart
Can’t understand
Entirely broken hearted

My heart is broken....

Please send hate mail to garyaharrah@yahoo.com

Make the subject: You stupid idiot.

Make the message say: You have no idea what you have just tossed away. You will never, never, never find someone better than Mary Alice. You won't get her back either. And all that crap you were saying about valuing the friendship and hoping it continues...? Kiss it goodbye, too because she will not be friends with you after you have broken her heart. Another thing...don't think that she bought that shit you were selling about how you don't like how you were treating her so you didn't want to do it anymore. You were right about one thing - she doesn't deserve to be treated like this!

I don't like having a broken heart.

Good News? Bad News? News News?

Ok, went to the doctor.
1. Blood tests came back fine.....my hormones are good. (?)
2. Ultrasound came back....3.3 cm cyst on remaining ovary. Will watch for 3 months and have another ultrasound.
3. Mammogram came back....lumps were just dense cells.
4. Had the pap smear today.....wasn't easy....apparently a "tilted cervix" makes life difficult. The doctor THINKS she got what she needs. I need to call back in week (if I don't hear) to see if she was able to get the right stuff. If yes, and results were good, I can start birth control pills to regulate my menses---and avoid pregnancy, should Gary change his mind. If no, I have to go to a specialist who knows how to deal with weirdo cervixes.

Good news? Bad news? You decide.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb

So, once again, I tried to kiss Gary and he kissed me once and then turned his head.
I said, "why, why do you do that?"
He said, "What?"
I said, "Kiss me and then turn your head. It makes me feel like you don't want to."
He said, "It isn't that."
I said, "well, it makes me feel like you don't like me."

He said, "OH."

Could he seriously be so dumb as to think that by him "holding out" for the last 4 weeks that I wouldn't feel rejected?

I can't believe that I feel like the teenage boy whose girlfriend is a tease.

Redemption?

Ok, so I talked to Gary again last night.
I feel better, but that happens.

This last month has been SO STRESSFUL for our relationship. I hate that my posts are not positive. They used to be.

He is coming home today instead of tomorrow---I knew that would happen. I made plans with my friend Carrie for tonight. He wasn't supposed to be home. He sounded disappointed when I said I was busy--I DON'T GET IT!

I wish there was an easy way to be in a relationship.

Happy Thanksgiving

1. Does anyone actually read this ? I haven't had a comment in days!

2. Happy Thanksgiving. I'm stuffed. I didn't even eat any stuffing.

3. Inconsiderate. That's my latest description of my little bf. I had all of those tests yesterday, cried for a week about them, made him feel the LUMP, and he didn't even call me to see how they went. We talk every single day. Yesterday, our communication consisted of me sending a text wondering if he had made it safe to his Thanksgiving destination and him saying yes and then him sending me a text much later in the evening to say that he had joined the Legion. (This last part tells me that he was drinking there to celebrate the membership!) Finally, around 11:00, I sent him a text that said, "Can you believe that my bf didn't even call me to see how my tests went?" This morning, first thing, I get a call that starts with "I'm so sorry." He tried to say that he didn't know I would get results --LIKE IT MATTERS--when someone who is 31 gets a mammogram for the first time, it does not matter if she gets results. I cried for a week about these tests. I told him on Tuesday that he makes me feel insecure because he doesn't seem to care (which he debated) and THEN HE DOESN'T CALL ME! He was so apologetic. Finally, he said, "You are mad." I said, "Not mad, hurt and ...." He said, "disappointed." HELL YES! Is it wrong to want a boyfriend who understands your fear and wants to reassure you and check on you! I AM NOT NEEDY, but this was important!

4. I feel like all I do lately is write about how I don't feel good in this relationship. I've been thinking lately that maybe I need to take a break. I love him and want to be with him, but do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? The answer is NO. Actually the answer is "I DESERVE MORE!"

5. I think I'm going to put up my tree and put the lights on it, then take a little nap.

Happy Thanksgiving

Medical Questions ?

Ok, just got home from the mammogram.

The doctor who read the pictures says, "Well, nothing showed up and if you aren't feeling anything (which I told him that I felt it after my doctor pointed it out) then I won't order an ultrasound. If your doctor wants to do that, she can. I think it is normal. " SO--this confuses me a little. My doctor pointed it out and I do feel it.

I see my doctor next Wednesday. I'm going to say this to her: "If you felt it and I felt it, why is there nothing on the pictures?"

Denise Austin - HATE HER!

OK, so I'm on this "Reader Advisory Panel" for Women's Health magazine.
I participate in discussions about women's issues.
I just got a new fitness DVD in the mail. I'm to try it three times and fill out a questionnaires. I just did it for the first time. I haven't done Denise for a while. She is good....but so perky that it seems she might be possessed? Have you seen those eyes? She does this one rotating move on a fitness ball and is moaning these words of encouragement.....I thought I was watching a porno! I know it sounded like one!

Work Day

MY stud?

Work Day

HIS PARENTS...

are so nice.
I had fun and I think they liked me.

I'm anxious to get the report tomorrow, although men aren't so good at reporting.