Contemplating

It has been very close to a month since the break-up, and I am finding that I've not taken it very well. I wanted to keep my dignity and wait for him to realize how dumb he is. When I call him or text him, I'm not giving him that chance. I haven't quite closed the gap between heartbroken ex girlfriend and psycho, but I've found myself teetering on the edge.

I want to be able to say that I've done nothing wrong.

Yesterday, Christmas Day, all that I wanted was to talk to him. I wanted him to call me. So, later in the day, I sent a text. He responded a few times, and then we were done. I was too proud to call.

He is my measuring stick. I went to a party on Friday. There was a single guy there who people have wanted to fix me up with. I was friendly and tried to be open about it. The whole time, I kept thinking about how he wasn't Gary. I was comparing him and his traits to Gary. Will it always be like this?

Merry Day After Christmas.

L-O-V-E

Leaving yourself
Open and
Vulnerable
Entirely

I love Christmas on Christmas Eve

My sister and bro-in-law got me:
Two beautiful pairs of silver earrings
A wooden replica of Beaver Stadium to add to my PSU collection
Cool, thick socks

My parents got me:
3 lb weights
Mary Kay brush set
2 sets of towels (including the BIG bath sheets that I LOVE)
Flannel sheets....with these cute penguins on them
A fuzzy green blanket for my bed
Some weird soaps
A shop vac!

I think that I got every single thing on my Christmas list!
I'm so thankful.
Oh wait, I just checked. I got everything but the subscription to InStyle magazine, I guess I"ll have to suck it up and get that for myself! ;)

Amen!

My stomach hurts

Irresistable

Happy
Alive
Vuluptuous
Entertaining

Amorous

Warm
Intelligent
Lovely
Devoted

Hold dear
Excitable
Affectionate
Remarkable
Tender

Missing you

Are you missing me?
I'm totally missing you.

I hate feeling like this. I just want to be with you.

Why are men so stupid?

To do:

1. Get oil changed in car.
2. Grocery store...food & pictures.
3. Tally up Susan's debt.
5. Pay Gannon (Merry Christmas)
6.Work out with Allison.
7. Lunch with Amy (?)
8. Christmas cookie party at Karen's.
9.Dinner at Jeannie's.

I'm hoping to get 5 or 6 of these finished. All would be FABULOUS!
Oh yeah, I'm planning to bake some bread, too.

Lonely

Longing to be held
Only you I want
No one
Else is
Like
You

Marc, the bowler

So, Jeff says to me today, "Marc and I are going bowling to shake off the cobwebs before we go with you!" How cute.

Jeff then says, "I told him what you said about losing and he says he can handle it, but I can't." When Jeff had suggested bowling, I had said, "Can Marc handle losing to a girl?"

I'm so glad that I have this to look forward to.

Today, I'm numb.

So, today I'm torn.
I was trying so hard to keep my dignity.
I'm not sure that I did that yesterday.

I'm going to wait until Christmas. (Which is only 6 days away-- egads!)

The gift

The gift was his favorite movie. He didn' t own it. The movie Airplane!

I bought if from Amazon. It came the day after we broke up. It was such a hassle to return it. Plus, I really wanted him to have it.

I gave him a gift

My gift made him feel bad
Although I wanted that
Really now I feel sad
Y can't I be mean?

Anyway, I got in a few shots
Letting him know how I feel
I wish things were different
Cause we were a match made in heaven
Eventually, I'll find someone new... I hope!

OB GYN

New doctor today.

I love watching the faces of doctors and nurses when they say, "What medication do you take? " and my answer is "No." "What kind of birth control do you use?" "None."

Today, I got a bonus when at separate times, I was asked, "Have you ever had an abnormal pap smear?" My answer has been, "I never had one before." THE SHOCK! THE HORROR!

Anyway, he says it looks normal, I'll know for sure in a few weeks. He says that we need to get me on some birth control so that we don't have an unwanted pregnancy. It wasn't worth telling him that we have no worries.

OH--the nurse at the desk asked me if this was on my insurance or my husband's. How rude! Single women go to the OBGYN.

Today's Acrostic

Marc
Andy
Ryan
Yogi

Allen
Leroy
Ian
Chad
Eric

Many men
Always options
Round the corner
Years may change me

Always wonder
Learning too much
I hate heartbreak
Can't wait for "the one"
Exhausted from looking

I thought this was kinda cool.

I wasn't ready

So, I really wanted to see Mike and MK's new house and the things that they are doing in it.
Yesterday, I thought I would "stop in" and see the progress.
I ran out, pulled in, saw Gary's car, but not Mike's truck. So, I called them. They had just left and were running some errands and would be back in an hour.

OK, so Gary said he would call me when they got back. I went to my parents' house to help my dad with a few things. Gary called and I went out.

Mike was the same guy. Joking, teasing, talking.
Gary was very reserved. As I got the tour of the house, he sort of stayed a step behind - which meant I couldn't see him. He treated me like we were buddies....not like he just broke my heart. When I was leaving, Mike said, "I don't know if I'll see you before Christmas, so Merry Christmas." Gary said, "Yeah, Merry Christmas." They were waving these friendly waves.

It made me so sad. It just hurt me so bad that it was the first time I'd seen Gary and he acted like nothing had happened. He didn't seem to care about me. I just wasn't ready for that.

Considering...

Ok, I'm considering moving the big date up to the week between Christmas and New Year's. Although I must admit that I like the anticipation much better than the rejection that usually comes from a blind date.

Eh..we'll see.

I already blogged today, but....

Good things that came from dating Gary:
1. Realizing that I am good at being a couple.
2. I have to be true to myself.
3. Sexy Victoria Secret underwear ARE SUPER! (I thought $6 for a 6 pack at Walmart was good, but nu uh--these are fabulous!)
4. It is OK to love sports....men like that.
5. It is sexy that I like sports.
6. Some men find it sexy when you come on strong!

I guess those are good things....I'll add more as I think of them!

What's the big whoop de doo?

OK, so while I'm still loving and missing Gary every single day.....I know that I totally need a distraction....MAN WISE.

In August, a friend from work called and asked to set me up with his cousin. (I had asked this friend months before if he knew any good guys.) At the time that he called, I was seeing Gary, so I had to say No.

So, last week, I asked him if his cousin was still single. He said YES and LET'S SET SOMETHING UP. He wants to go bowling. (I think that 60-70% of my first dates have been bowling, but whatever, I like it.) I said that I wanted to wait until after January 1 because the holidays are a tough time to start dating someone. (Plus, I would only compare him to Gary and that's not fair.)

I'm slowly gathering data. He is 30....went to Mercer H.S. (so no matter what, is a decent guy)... owns a home (I know this from my Google search of him).... drives a truck... likes to hunt and fish... is a construction worker/drives big equipment.....the last part had me slightly concerned because I've gone out with guys like this before and been judged because I'm educated. However, I was willing to give it a shot. I was nervous and wondering what he thought. So, I sent Jeff (the guy I work with) an email asking if Marc was up for bowling. The response? I COULDN'T STOP SMILING......

"Absolutely, He can't wait! The first time I mentioned you to him, he got excited, but then you were already dating someone. So he is happy just to get a chance. "

I CAN'T WAIT! YEAH! This may be just what I needed!

Disappointed and getting mad

He is so dumb. He doesn't know what he is missing.
Another person said today, "What is wrong with that guy?"

Amen.