Considering...

Ok, I'm considering moving the big date up to the week between Christmas and New Year's. Although I must admit that I like the anticipation much better than the rejection that usually comes from a blind date.

Eh..we'll see.

I already blogged today, but....

Good things that came from dating Gary:
1. Realizing that I am good at being a couple.
2. I have to be true to myself.
3. Sexy Victoria Secret underwear ARE SUPER! (I thought $6 for a 6 pack at Walmart was good, but nu uh--these are fabulous!)
4. It is OK to love sports....men like that.
5. It is sexy that I like sports.
6. Some men find it sexy when you come on strong!

I guess those are good things....I'll add more as I think of them!

What's the big whoop de doo?

OK, so while I'm still loving and missing Gary every single day.....I know that I totally need a distraction....MAN WISE.

In August, a friend from work called and asked to set me up with his cousin. (I had asked this friend months before if he knew any good guys.) At the time that he called, I was seeing Gary, so I had to say No.

So, last week, I asked him if his cousin was still single. He said YES and LET'S SET SOMETHING UP. He wants to go bowling. (I think that 60-70% of my first dates have been bowling, but whatever, I like it.) I said that I wanted to wait until after January 1 because the holidays are a tough time to start dating someone. (Plus, I would only compare him to Gary and that's not fair.)

I'm slowly gathering data. He is 30....went to Mercer H.S. (so no matter what, is a decent guy)... owns a home (I know this from my Google search of him).... drives a truck... likes to hunt and fish... is a construction worker/drives big equipment.....the last part had me slightly concerned because I've gone out with guys like this before and been judged because I'm educated. However, I was willing to give it a shot. I was nervous and wondering what he thought. So, I sent Jeff (the guy I work with) an email asking if Marc was up for bowling. The response? I COULDN'T STOP SMILING......

"Absolutely, He can't wait! The first time I mentioned you to him, he got excited, but then you were already dating someone. So he is happy just to get a chance. "

I CAN'T WAIT! YEAH! This may be just what I needed!

Disappointed and getting mad

He is so dumb. He doesn't know what he is missing.
Another person said today, "What is wrong with that guy?"

Amen.

Going on 12 or 13 days

Acrostic

Maybe I'll never find someone better
Although I've been told otherwise
Really not looking forward to more blind dates
Yet I'm already being set up

Almost want to tell him
Like it would make him jealous
I want him to beg forgiveness
Cause I'd take him back in a heartbeat
Eric, Marc, or Gary?

20 Questions

Borrowed from Jackass Jen, a random girl who commented on my blog and now I check hers regularly....

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? I've never had egg nog.
2. Did you ever do anything for Santa? Nope.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Well, growing up we always had white. I wanted colored, but now my roommate has colored (half burned out) and I wish we had white. Go figure.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? I always wanted to.
5. When do you put your decorations up? Thanksgiving weekend. This year, Thanksgiving.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Stuffing.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? I loved Christmas at my favorite uncle's. The windows were steamy from all of the hot food, it smelled delicious and he was wearing shorts because he was always too hot!
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I was in about 4th grade and my younger sister told me. She ruined lots of stuff--she even gave me the chicken pox!
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We used to open everything but the stocking on Christmas Eve.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? With ornaments filled with memories. Some are so ugly. My mom always called that the "memory tree."
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it. Love the first snow, love when it is deep, hate it in March and April.
12. Can you ice skate? Yes.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Nope.
14. What's the most exciting thing about the holidays for you? Nothing.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? It might be the cheeseball.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Don't have one.
17. What tops your tree? An angel ornament.
18. Which do you prefer give or receive? I'd rather give. I never get what I really want.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? The Little Drummer Boy, that David Bowie duet one.
20. Candy Canes? Overrated. I like just one a year.....in hot chocolate.

I just don't know.

So, I know that in order to move on, I have to start thinking about someone new. Not that I'm ready to date, but I have to think about it.

First, I love Gary. If I ever want there to be a reconciliation, then I need to NOT BE PSYCHO. I need to give him the space that he needs to work through his issues.

A guy I work with wanted to fix me up with his cousin. He asked me soon after I started dating Gary. Last night, I sent him an email asking about the cousin. Today, we decided that we'll go out in January. I chose Jan because 1. I'm not ready yet and 2. it is hard to meet someone at the holiday time. Awkward.

Then, Gary called me tonight. He wanted to know about my doctor's visits. We talked for like 20 minutes. It was really, really good. It made me feel good that he still cares about me. It also made me realize that I still love him. I need to let him realize what he is missing. I need to be charming and beautiful and smart and let him pant. I can do it, I can do it!

Grasping at straws

Ok.
Today, I'm wanting to call Gary. I don't know why. Well, I do know why. I miss him.

I was even thinking of asking if he needs his hair cut. (Since I do that for him and I'm sure it is time.)

He hasn't contacted me, though, so I need to remind myself that that must mean he doesn't want to see me. I HATE THAT.

Anyway, I should go do something productive, like wrap presents.

MAS

Distraction

OK, I'm nuts.
I agreed (suggested) to movies with Tom. (I'm nuts--I know!)
He came over tonight. I picked up pizza and he got the movie and pop.
We had a relaxing night with a few interruptions. The first? The neighbors upstairs "making whoopee." I heard the banging and Tom slowly looks at me and says, "....uh, I think your neighbors are...." "They are," I say! He says, "Want me to bang on the ceiling? I can reach." I say, "NO--I want you to turn up the TV!"

Number two? Someone trys to turn around in my driveway and gets stuck. Well, they want to back out and they keep sliding down. This is making Tom nervous as his truck would be what stopped them from sliding into my garage. Finally, he goes out and helps push them out of the driveway.

OK, so my point. I needed a distraction from missing Gary (although I was missing him the whole evening) and that's what I was doing with Tom. So, I decided (like I always do) that I don't need to be with him and that he isn't the one for me. ESPECIALLY because he was telling me about some girl named Melissa who he is going Christmas shopping with tomorrow.

The stunner was this: On his way out, he asked me to go to the movies on Sunday. I swear he has a 6th sense......when I don't want him, here he comes LOUD AND STRONG!

I'll never find someone like Gary.

I had to call him.

Sorry--I wasn't home last night to blog.
I called him Wednesday, around 5:00.
He answered, seemed pleasant, and said that he was cutting his Christmas tree at that moment and wanted to call me back. I said fine.
He called as I was walking into a Tastefully Simple party, so I asked him to call in a few hours.
We ended up talking around 9:00.

Many things were said. I guess what I got from it was that he doesn't care about me. He was trying to, but he didn't---at least that's what he said. He said that I was more invested than he was. I said, "what do you mean?" He said, "Our feelings weren't the same." I said, "You know I wasn't planning a wedding!" He said that he knew but that my feelings were growing and his weren't. I cried, which made me mad. I told him that I couldn't change my feelings. He said he knew that I was mad that he hadn't called me when he got my text. I said, "I'm not mad-- I want to be mad, but I'm just hurt and confused."

So, last night, I called to apologize. He didn't answer--not surprising. I just left a message that said that I didn't want all of our conversations to end like Wednesday's and that I would work harder to avoid that in the future.

I need to not call anymore though because I want to keep my dignity. I'm grasping at straws. At this point, I feel like I haven't done anything wrong. If I begin to go psycho, then he'll have reason to not want to be with me.

I hate that he did this to me.

TEXT

Ok, I sent a text at about 9:30 that said,
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!"


and I didn't hear back.

Madder by the day....

This is his plan!
He isn't calling me because he knows I'll get madder as each day passes!

It is working. I'm pissed.

OR he thinks I'll call him when I'm ready. I won't. At least not right now. I'm getting good at not calling him first.

Sad, mad, and HURT

OK, our last words on Thursday were:
Me: I hope you'll call me.
Him: I will. I'll give you a few days before I do.

OK......that was Thursday. I didn't expect to hear from him over the weekend, but COME ON! It is Monday night---HE SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME BY NOW!

So now, I'm worrying.....
1. Has he not called me because he thinks I'm still too upset?
2. Has he not called me because he is too upset?
3. Does he think I'm mad?
4. Is he mad?

What is funny. Today, I was thinking that maybe I'd ask him if we could just consider this a break and reconsider in January. I hate that I'm all or nothing, but wanting to wait. I hate that he has done this me!

His Acrostic

Good grief!
Asinine
Rash
Yellow bellied

2 days now....new acrostic

Mad
Angry
Ranting and raving
Yearning to yell

Annoyed
Livid
Infuriated
Cross
Enraged

How to react...

So, he is supposed to call me in a few days.
I hope he doesn't. I can't be just friends. I told him from the start, ALL OR NOTHING.
When he does, what do I say? I cannot act like the last 5 months haven't happened. I cannot cry and beg him to reconsider. (Like I would do that, anyway.)
I guess there really isn't anything TO say. If I yell, all that does is make me look bad. If I don't say anything, well then, he can't say anything bad about me. That's really what I want....him to be the idiot who doesn't know what he gave up. NO--I want him to be the idiot who kicks himself for what he gave up.

acrostic

Mourning the loss of a friendship/relationship
Angry at him for not seeing my value
Really destroyed
Yearning to be loved

Always left out
Loves, but not loved
Injured heart
Can’t understand
Entirely broken hearted

My heart is broken....

Please send hate mail to garyaharrah@yahoo.com

Make the subject: You stupid idiot.

Make the message say: You have no idea what you have just tossed away. You will never, never, never find someone better than Mary Alice. You won't get her back either. And all that crap you were saying about valuing the friendship and hoping it continues...? Kiss it goodbye, too because she will not be friends with you after you have broken her heart. Another thing...don't think that she bought that shit you were selling about how you don't like how you were treating her so you didn't want to do it anymore. You were right about one thing - she doesn't deserve to be treated like this!

I don't like having a broken heart.

Good News? Bad News? News News?

Ok, went to the doctor.
1. Blood tests came back fine.....my hormones are good. (?)
2. Ultrasound came back....3.3 cm cyst on remaining ovary. Will watch for 3 months and have another ultrasound.
3. Mammogram came back....lumps were just dense cells.
4. Had the pap smear today.....wasn't easy....apparently a "tilted cervix" makes life difficult. The doctor THINKS she got what she needs. I need to call back in week (if I don't hear) to see if she was able to get the right stuff. If yes, and results were good, I can start birth control pills to regulate my menses---and avoid pregnancy, should Gary change his mind. If no, I have to go to a specialist who knows how to deal with weirdo cervixes.

Good news? Bad news? You decide.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb

So, once again, I tried to kiss Gary and he kissed me once and then turned his head.
I said, "why, why do you do that?"
He said, "What?"
I said, "Kiss me and then turn your head. It makes me feel like you don't want to."
He said, "It isn't that."
I said, "well, it makes me feel like you don't like me."

He said, "OH."

Could he seriously be so dumb as to think that by him "holding out" for the last 4 weeks that I wouldn't feel rejected?

I can't believe that I feel like the teenage boy whose girlfriend is a tease.