To do:

1. Get oil changed in car.
2. Grocery store...food & pictures.
3. Tally up Susan's debt.
5. Pay Gannon (Merry Christmas)
6.Work out with Allison.
7. Lunch with Amy (?)
8. Christmas cookie party at Karen's.
9.Dinner at Jeannie's.

I'm hoping to get 5 or 6 of these finished. All would be FABULOUS!
Oh yeah, I'm planning to bake some bread, too.

Lonely

Longing to be held
Only you I want
No one
Else is
Like
You

Marc, the bowler

So, Jeff says to me today, "Marc and I are going bowling to shake off the cobwebs before we go with you!" How cute.

Jeff then says, "I told him what you said about losing and he says he can handle it, but I can't." When Jeff had suggested bowling, I had said, "Can Marc handle losing to a girl?"

I'm so glad that I have this to look forward to.

Today, I'm numb.

So, today I'm torn.
I was trying so hard to keep my dignity.
I'm not sure that I did that yesterday.

I'm going to wait until Christmas. (Which is only 6 days away-- egads!)

The gift

The gift was his favorite movie. He didn' t own it. The movie Airplane!

I bought if from Amazon. It came the day after we broke up. It was such a hassle to return it. Plus, I really wanted him to have it.

I gave him a gift

My gift made him feel bad
Although I wanted that
Really now I feel sad
Y can't I be mean?

Anyway, I got in a few shots
Letting him know how I feel
I wish things were different
Cause we were a match made in heaven
Eventually, I'll find someone new... I hope!

OB GYN

New doctor today.

I love watching the faces of doctors and nurses when they say, "What medication do you take? " and my answer is "No." "What kind of birth control do you use?" "None."

Today, I got a bonus when at separate times, I was asked, "Have you ever had an abnormal pap smear?" My answer has been, "I never had one before." THE SHOCK! THE HORROR!

Anyway, he says it looks normal, I'll know for sure in a few weeks. He says that we need to get me on some birth control so that we don't have an unwanted pregnancy. It wasn't worth telling him that we have no worries.

OH--the nurse at the desk asked me if this was on my insurance or my husband's. How rude! Single women go to the OBGYN.

Today's Acrostic

Marc
Andy
Ryan
Yogi

Allen
Leroy
Ian
Chad
Eric

Many men
Always options
Round the corner
Years may change me

Always wonder
Learning too much
I hate heartbreak
Can't wait for "the one"
Exhausted from looking

I thought this was kinda cool.

I wasn't ready

So, I really wanted to see Mike and MK's new house and the things that they are doing in it.
Yesterday, I thought I would "stop in" and see the progress.
I ran out, pulled in, saw Gary's car, but not Mike's truck. So, I called them. They had just left and were running some errands and would be back in an hour.

OK, so Gary said he would call me when they got back. I went to my parents' house to help my dad with a few things. Gary called and I went out.

Mike was the same guy. Joking, teasing, talking.
Gary was very reserved. As I got the tour of the house, he sort of stayed a step behind - which meant I couldn't see him. He treated me like we were buddies....not like he just broke my heart. When I was leaving, Mike said, "I don't know if I'll see you before Christmas, so Merry Christmas." Gary said, "Yeah, Merry Christmas." They were waving these friendly waves.

It made me so sad. It just hurt me so bad that it was the first time I'd seen Gary and he acted like nothing had happened. He didn't seem to care about me. I just wasn't ready for that.

Considering...

Ok, I'm considering moving the big date up to the week between Christmas and New Year's. Although I must admit that I like the anticipation much better than the rejection that usually comes from a blind date.

Eh..we'll see.

I already blogged today, but....

Good things that came from dating Gary:
1. Realizing that I am good at being a couple.
2. I have to be true to myself.
3. Sexy Victoria Secret underwear ARE SUPER! (I thought $6 for a 6 pack at Walmart was good, but nu uh--these are fabulous!)
4. It is OK to love sports....men like that.
5. It is sexy that I like sports.
6. Some men find it sexy when you come on strong!

I guess those are good things....I'll add more as I think of them!

What's the big whoop de doo?

OK, so while I'm still loving and missing Gary every single day.....I know that I totally need a distraction....MAN WISE.

In August, a friend from work called and asked to set me up with his cousin. (I had asked this friend months before if he knew any good guys.) At the time that he called, I was seeing Gary, so I had to say No.

So, last week, I asked him if his cousin was still single. He said YES and LET'S SET SOMETHING UP. He wants to go bowling. (I think that 60-70% of my first dates have been bowling, but whatever, I like it.) I said that I wanted to wait until after January 1 because the holidays are a tough time to start dating someone. (Plus, I would only compare him to Gary and that's not fair.)

I'm slowly gathering data. He is 30....went to Mercer H.S. (so no matter what, is a decent guy)... owns a home (I know this from my Google search of him).... drives a truck... likes to hunt and fish... is a construction worker/drives big equipment.....the last part had me slightly concerned because I've gone out with guys like this before and been judged because I'm educated. However, I was willing to give it a shot. I was nervous and wondering what he thought. So, I sent Jeff (the guy I work with) an email asking if Marc was up for bowling. The response? I COULDN'T STOP SMILING......

"Absolutely, He can't wait! The first time I mentioned you to him, he got excited, but then you were already dating someone. So he is happy just to get a chance. "

I CAN'T WAIT! YEAH! This may be just what I needed!

Disappointed and getting mad

He is so dumb. He doesn't know what he is missing.
Another person said today, "What is wrong with that guy?"

Amen.

Going on 12 or 13 days

Acrostic

Maybe I'll never find someone better
Although I've been told otherwise
Really not looking forward to more blind dates
Yet I'm already being set up

Almost want to tell him
Like it would make him jealous
I want him to beg forgiveness
Cause I'd take him back in a heartbeat
Eric, Marc, or Gary?

20 Questions

Borrowed from Jackass Jen, a random girl who commented on my blog and now I check hers regularly....

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? I've never had egg nog.
2. Did you ever do anything for Santa? Nope.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Well, growing up we always had white. I wanted colored, but now my roommate has colored (half burned out) and I wish we had white. Go figure.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? I always wanted to.
5. When do you put your decorations up? Thanksgiving weekend. This year, Thanksgiving.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Stuffing.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? I loved Christmas at my favorite uncle's. The windows were steamy from all of the hot food, it smelled delicious and he was wearing shorts because he was always too hot!
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I was in about 4th grade and my younger sister told me. She ruined lots of stuff--she even gave me the chicken pox!
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We used to open everything but the stocking on Christmas Eve.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? With ornaments filled with memories. Some are so ugly. My mom always called that the "memory tree."
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it. Love the first snow, love when it is deep, hate it in March and April.
12. Can you ice skate? Yes.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Nope.
14. What's the most exciting thing about the holidays for you? Nothing.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? It might be the cheeseball.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Don't have one.
17. What tops your tree? An angel ornament.
18. Which do you prefer give or receive? I'd rather give. I never get what I really want.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? The Little Drummer Boy, that David Bowie duet one.
20. Candy Canes? Overrated. I like just one a year.....in hot chocolate.

I just don't know.

So, I know that in order to move on, I have to start thinking about someone new. Not that I'm ready to date, but I have to think about it.

First, I love Gary. If I ever want there to be a reconciliation, then I need to NOT BE PSYCHO. I need to give him the space that he needs to work through his issues.

A guy I work with wanted to fix me up with his cousin. He asked me soon after I started dating Gary. Last night, I sent him an email asking about the cousin. Today, we decided that we'll go out in January. I chose Jan because 1. I'm not ready yet and 2. it is hard to meet someone at the holiday time. Awkward.

Then, Gary called me tonight. He wanted to know about my doctor's visits. We talked for like 20 minutes. It was really, really good. It made me feel good that he still cares about me. It also made me realize that I still love him. I need to let him realize what he is missing. I need to be charming and beautiful and smart and let him pant. I can do it, I can do it!

Grasping at straws

Ok.
Today, I'm wanting to call Gary. I don't know why. Well, I do know why. I miss him.

I was even thinking of asking if he needs his hair cut. (Since I do that for him and I'm sure it is time.)

He hasn't contacted me, though, so I need to remind myself that that must mean he doesn't want to see me. I HATE THAT.

Anyway, I should go do something productive, like wrap presents.

MAS

Distraction

OK, I'm nuts.
I agreed (suggested) to movies with Tom. (I'm nuts--I know!)
He came over tonight. I picked up pizza and he got the movie and pop.
We had a relaxing night with a few interruptions. The first? The neighbors upstairs "making whoopee." I heard the banging and Tom slowly looks at me and says, "....uh, I think your neighbors are...." "They are," I say! He says, "Want me to bang on the ceiling? I can reach." I say, "NO--I want you to turn up the TV!"

Number two? Someone trys to turn around in my driveway and gets stuck. Well, they want to back out and they keep sliding down. This is making Tom nervous as his truck would be what stopped them from sliding into my garage. Finally, he goes out and helps push them out of the driveway.

OK, so my point. I needed a distraction from missing Gary (although I was missing him the whole evening) and that's what I was doing with Tom. So, I decided (like I always do) that I don't need to be with him and that he isn't the one for me. ESPECIALLY because he was telling me about some girl named Melissa who he is going Christmas shopping with tomorrow.

The stunner was this: On his way out, he asked me to go to the movies on Sunday. I swear he has a 6th sense......when I don't want him, here he comes LOUD AND STRONG!

I'll never find someone like Gary.

I had to call him.

Sorry--I wasn't home last night to blog.
I called him Wednesday, around 5:00.
He answered, seemed pleasant, and said that he was cutting his Christmas tree at that moment and wanted to call me back. I said fine.
He called as I was walking into a Tastefully Simple party, so I asked him to call in a few hours.
We ended up talking around 9:00.

Many things were said. I guess what I got from it was that he doesn't care about me. He was trying to, but he didn't---at least that's what he said. He said that I was more invested than he was. I said, "what do you mean?" He said, "Our feelings weren't the same." I said, "You know I wasn't planning a wedding!" He said that he knew but that my feelings were growing and his weren't. I cried, which made me mad. I told him that I couldn't change my feelings. He said he knew that I was mad that he hadn't called me when he got my text. I said, "I'm not mad-- I want to be mad, but I'm just hurt and confused."

So, last night, I called to apologize. He didn't answer--not surprising. I just left a message that said that I didn't want all of our conversations to end like Wednesday's and that I would work harder to avoid that in the future.

I need to not call anymore though because I want to keep my dignity. I'm grasping at straws. At this point, I feel like I haven't done anything wrong. If I begin to go psycho, then he'll have reason to not want to be with me.

I hate that he did this to me.