Date # 2

OK, we went out again tonight.
"We are Marshall" and Eat'n Park.

I told him that I am not ready to meet his son tomorrow. I told him that I never dated anyone with a kid and that I want to take that REALLY slow. He seemed to understand that.

I let him kiss me.

I told Tracy tonight : "This guy is going to say he loves me in 2 weeks." She said, "You are so right!"

So many thoughts

Ok. I just got home. We did dinner, bowling, the bar (connected to bowling alley), and then Kings for coffee. He is cute. Tall, blonde, goatee, broad. Country. Boots & a baseball cap. Used to ride bulls.

Divorced. Seven year old son named Garrett (I said country.)

We had fun and had a nice time talking.

He asked me to go to a New Year's Eve party...then told me that his son will be there. THEN - he asked me to go out tomorrow night, too.

I need some time to process this, but right now I'm getting the vibe that he is LONELY! I liked him, but I'm not ready to spend my entire weekend with him.

Tom Caves asked me today if he is a Christian. I said that I didn't know. We were talking about tattoos tonight and I told him that one of mine is of the trinity. He said, "What's that?" No problem, I tell him it is for the father, the son, and the holy ghost. He says, "Oh, I didn't know." So, I'm guessing he is not a Christian.

I need more time to process. Right now I'm cursing Gary. I don't think that I'm ready to date someone because the whole time I kept forcing myself.

Tomorrow will be a good chance to talk some more. Maybe he'll grow on me.
For now, I must sleep.

Nervous

Nervous, nervous, nervous.

bowling scores

Tuesday night I rolled 109, 127, and 155.
Tonight, I rolled 124, 142, and 181.

Can't wait for tomorrow!

D-A-T-E

Daring to
Allow someone
To get to know
Everything about me

I have a date tomorrow.
We're going bowling and to dinner.
Marc is his name.
I CAN'T WAIT!

No Sex and the City

OK, so I sat in my Weight Watchers meeting and cried today.
My leader thought I was crying about my 6 pound weight gain.
(did I mention that there were only 4 people at the meeting?)

I wasn't crying about the weight gain. (Although I should--6 pounds in 6 days--come on!)
What was I crying about?

MEN.
Will I ever find someone who loves me and wants to be with me, yet will wait to have sex with me, yet loves to drink beer? I was crying because I was crying. I'm unhappy with my dating life, I'm unhappy at work, I'm unhappy with my church. I am such an emotional mess. I have to do something to get over this. But, what? I'll tell you what ISN'T working--eating, that's for sure. I will say that I'm thinking about seeing a counselor. I'm not talking about my preacher... he has an agenda--as does any minister. I'm talking about finding a "talking doctor" to go to. My insurance covers it.

It also has me thinking about New Year's Resolutions.
I'm thinking about giving up men for the new year; taking a year off. I don't know what that would prove, but it might make me focus on more important things. I'm also thinking of imposing a year long bedtime for myself. I'm thinking 9:00. Is it possible to be in bed by 9:30 for 365 days in a row? I'm not so sure.

What is your resolution?

Bowling

OK, so Tracy and I went bowling.
Two reasons:
1. To use the bowling ball that Gary got me and not feel bad about it.
2. To practice up before my big date with MARC.

It was fun. I bowled a 109, 127, 157. Roll on.

Then, we went to a local watering hole. I had an "electric lemonade" which knocked me on my ass! It was fun and I didn't like the taste of it, but MAN it was ELECTRIC.

Gary and I had a fight today, but I'll blog about it later.

Contemplating

It has been very close to a month since the break-up, and I am finding that I've not taken it very well. I wanted to keep my dignity and wait for him to realize how dumb he is. When I call him or text him, I'm not giving him that chance. I haven't quite closed the gap between heartbroken ex girlfriend and psycho, but I've found myself teetering on the edge.

I want to be able to say that I've done nothing wrong.

Yesterday, Christmas Day, all that I wanted was to talk to him. I wanted him to call me. So, later in the day, I sent a text. He responded a few times, and then we were done. I was too proud to call.

He is my measuring stick. I went to a party on Friday. There was a single guy there who people have wanted to fix me up with. I was friendly and tried to be open about it. The whole time, I kept thinking about how he wasn't Gary. I was comparing him and his traits to Gary. Will it always be like this?

Merry Day After Christmas.

L-O-V-E

Leaving yourself
Open and
Vulnerable
Entirely

I love Christmas on Christmas Eve

My sister and bro-in-law got me:
Two beautiful pairs of silver earrings
A wooden replica of Beaver Stadium to add to my PSU collection
Cool, thick socks

My parents got me:
3 lb weights
Mary Kay brush set
2 sets of towels (including the BIG bath sheets that I LOVE)
Flannel sheets....with these cute penguins on them
A fuzzy green blanket for my bed
Some weird soaps
A shop vac!

I think that I got every single thing on my Christmas list!
I'm so thankful.
Oh wait, I just checked. I got everything but the subscription to InStyle magazine, I guess I"ll have to suck it up and get that for myself! ;)

Amen!

My stomach hurts

Irresistable

Happy
Alive
Vuluptuous
Entertaining

Amorous

Warm
Intelligent
Lovely
Devoted

Hold dear
Excitable
Affectionate
Remarkable
Tender

Missing you

Are you missing me?
I'm totally missing you.

I hate feeling like this. I just want to be with you.

Why are men so stupid?

To do:

1. Get oil changed in car.
2. Grocery store...food & pictures.
3. Tally up Susan's debt.
5. Pay Gannon (Merry Christmas)
6.Work out with Allison.
7. Lunch with Amy (?)
8. Christmas cookie party at Karen's.
9.Dinner at Jeannie's.

I'm hoping to get 5 or 6 of these finished. All would be FABULOUS!
Oh yeah, I'm planning to bake some bread, too.

Lonely

Longing to be held
Only you I want
No one
Else is
Like
You

Marc, the bowler

So, Jeff says to me today, "Marc and I are going bowling to shake off the cobwebs before we go with you!" How cute.

Jeff then says, "I told him what you said about losing and he says he can handle it, but I can't." When Jeff had suggested bowling, I had said, "Can Marc handle losing to a girl?"

I'm so glad that I have this to look forward to.

Today, I'm numb.

So, today I'm torn.
I was trying so hard to keep my dignity.
I'm not sure that I did that yesterday.

I'm going to wait until Christmas. (Which is only 6 days away-- egads!)

The gift

The gift was his favorite movie. He didn' t own it. The movie Airplane!

I bought if from Amazon. It came the day after we broke up. It was such a hassle to return it. Plus, I really wanted him to have it.

I gave him a gift

My gift made him feel bad
Although I wanted that
Really now I feel sad
Y can't I be mean?

Anyway, I got in a few shots
Letting him know how I feel
I wish things were different
Cause we were a match made in heaven
Eventually, I'll find someone new... I hope!

OB GYN

New doctor today.

I love watching the faces of doctors and nurses when they say, "What medication do you take? " and my answer is "No." "What kind of birth control do you use?" "None."

Today, I got a bonus when at separate times, I was asked, "Have you ever had an abnormal pap smear?" My answer has been, "I never had one before." THE SHOCK! THE HORROR!

Anyway, he says it looks normal, I'll know for sure in a few weeks. He says that we need to get me on some birth control so that we don't have an unwanted pregnancy. It wasn't worth telling him that we have no worries.

OH--the nurse at the desk asked me if this was on my insurance or my husband's. How rude! Single women go to the OBGYN.

Today's Acrostic

Marc
Andy
Ryan
Yogi

Allen
Leroy
Ian
Chad
Eric

Many men
Always options
Round the corner
Years may change me

Always wonder
Learning too much
I hate heartbreak
Can't wait for "the one"
Exhausted from looking

I thought this was kinda cool.

I wasn't ready

So, I really wanted to see Mike and MK's new house and the things that they are doing in it.
Yesterday, I thought I would "stop in" and see the progress.
I ran out, pulled in, saw Gary's car, but not Mike's truck. So, I called them. They had just left and were running some errands and would be back in an hour.

OK, so Gary said he would call me when they got back. I went to my parents' house to help my dad with a few things. Gary called and I went out.

Mike was the same guy. Joking, teasing, talking.
Gary was very reserved. As I got the tour of the house, he sort of stayed a step behind - which meant I couldn't see him. He treated me like we were buddies....not like he just broke my heart. When I was leaving, Mike said, "I don't know if I'll see you before Christmas, so Merry Christmas." Gary said, "Yeah, Merry Christmas." They were waving these friendly waves.

It made me so sad. It just hurt me so bad that it was the first time I'd seen Gary and he acted like nothing had happened. He didn't seem to care about me. I just wasn't ready for that.

Considering...

Ok, I'm considering moving the big date up to the week between Christmas and New Year's. Although I must admit that I like the anticipation much better than the rejection that usually comes from a blind date.

Eh..we'll see.

I already blogged today, but....

Good things that came from dating Gary:
1. Realizing that I am good at being a couple.
2. I have to be true to myself.
3. Sexy Victoria Secret underwear ARE SUPER! (I thought $6 for a 6 pack at Walmart was good, but nu uh--these are fabulous!)
4. It is OK to love sports....men like that.
5. It is sexy that I like sports.
6. Some men find it sexy when you come on strong!

I guess those are good things....I'll add more as I think of them!

What's the big whoop de doo?

OK, so while I'm still loving and missing Gary every single day.....I know that I totally need a distraction....MAN WISE.

In August, a friend from work called and asked to set me up with his cousin. (I had asked this friend months before if he knew any good guys.) At the time that he called, I was seeing Gary, so I had to say No.

So, last week, I asked him if his cousin was still single. He said YES and LET'S SET SOMETHING UP. He wants to go bowling. (I think that 60-70% of my first dates have been bowling, but whatever, I like it.) I said that I wanted to wait until after January 1 because the holidays are a tough time to start dating someone. (Plus, I would only compare him to Gary and that's not fair.)

I'm slowly gathering data. He is 30....went to Mercer H.S. (so no matter what, is a decent guy)... owns a home (I know this from my Google search of him).... drives a truck... likes to hunt and fish... is a construction worker/drives big equipment.....the last part had me slightly concerned because I've gone out with guys like this before and been judged because I'm educated. However, I was willing to give it a shot. I was nervous and wondering what he thought. So, I sent Jeff (the guy I work with) an email asking if Marc was up for bowling. The response? I COULDN'T STOP SMILING......

"Absolutely, He can't wait! The first time I mentioned you to him, he got excited, but then you were already dating someone. So he is happy just to get a chance. "

I CAN'T WAIT! YEAH! This may be just what I needed!

Disappointed and getting mad

He is so dumb. He doesn't know what he is missing.
Another person said today, "What is wrong with that guy?"

Amen.

Going on 12 or 13 days

Acrostic

Maybe I'll never find someone better
Although I've been told otherwise
Really not looking forward to more blind dates
Yet I'm already being set up

Almost want to tell him
Like it would make him jealous
I want him to beg forgiveness
Cause I'd take him back in a heartbeat
Eric, Marc, or Gary?

20 Questions

Borrowed from Jackass Jen, a random girl who commented on my blog and now I check hers regularly....

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? I've never had egg nog.
2. Did you ever do anything for Santa? Nope.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Well, growing up we always had white. I wanted colored, but now my roommate has colored (half burned out) and I wish we had white. Go figure.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? I always wanted to.
5. When do you put your decorations up? Thanksgiving weekend. This year, Thanksgiving.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Stuffing.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? I loved Christmas at my favorite uncle's. The windows were steamy from all of the hot food, it smelled delicious and he was wearing shorts because he was always too hot!
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I was in about 4th grade and my younger sister told me. She ruined lots of stuff--she even gave me the chicken pox!
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We used to open everything but the stocking on Christmas Eve.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? With ornaments filled with memories. Some are so ugly. My mom always called that the "memory tree."
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it. Love the first snow, love when it is deep, hate it in March and April.
12. Can you ice skate? Yes.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Nope.
14. What's the most exciting thing about the holidays for you? Nothing.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? It might be the cheeseball.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Don't have one.
17. What tops your tree? An angel ornament.
18. Which do you prefer give or receive? I'd rather give. I never get what I really want.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? The Little Drummer Boy, that David Bowie duet one.
20. Candy Canes? Overrated. I like just one a year.....in hot chocolate.

I just don't know.

So, I know that in order to move on, I have to start thinking about someone new. Not that I'm ready to date, but I have to think about it.

First, I love Gary. If I ever want there to be a reconciliation, then I need to NOT BE PSYCHO. I need to give him the space that he needs to work through his issues.

A guy I work with wanted to fix me up with his cousin. He asked me soon after I started dating Gary. Last night, I sent him an email asking about the cousin. Today, we decided that we'll go out in January. I chose Jan because 1. I'm not ready yet and 2. it is hard to meet someone at the holiday time. Awkward.

Then, Gary called me tonight. He wanted to know about my doctor's visits. We talked for like 20 minutes. It was really, really good. It made me feel good that he still cares about me. It also made me realize that I still love him. I need to let him realize what he is missing. I need to be charming and beautiful and smart and let him pant. I can do it, I can do it!

Grasping at straws

Ok.
Today, I'm wanting to call Gary. I don't know why. Well, I do know why. I miss him.

I was even thinking of asking if he needs his hair cut. (Since I do that for him and I'm sure it is time.)

He hasn't contacted me, though, so I need to remind myself that that must mean he doesn't want to see me. I HATE THAT.

Anyway, I should go do something productive, like wrap presents.

MAS

Distraction

OK, I'm nuts.
I agreed (suggested) to movies with Tom. (I'm nuts--I know!)
He came over tonight. I picked up pizza and he got the movie and pop.
We had a relaxing night with a few interruptions. The first? The neighbors upstairs "making whoopee." I heard the banging and Tom slowly looks at me and says, "....uh, I think your neighbors are...." "They are," I say! He says, "Want me to bang on the ceiling? I can reach." I say, "NO--I want you to turn up the TV!"

Number two? Someone trys to turn around in my driveway and gets stuck. Well, they want to back out and they keep sliding down. This is making Tom nervous as his truck would be what stopped them from sliding into my garage. Finally, he goes out and helps push them out of the driveway.

OK, so my point. I needed a distraction from missing Gary (although I was missing him the whole evening) and that's what I was doing with Tom. So, I decided (like I always do) that I don't need to be with him and that he isn't the one for me. ESPECIALLY because he was telling me about some girl named Melissa who he is going Christmas shopping with tomorrow.

The stunner was this: On his way out, he asked me to go to the movies on Sunday. I swear he has a 6th sense......when I don't want him, here he comes LOUD AND STRONG!

I'll never find someone like Gary.

I had to call him.

Sorry--I wasn't home last night to blog.
I called him Wednesday, around 5:00.
He answered, seemed pleasant, and said that he was cutting his Christmas tree at that moment and wanted to call me back. I said fine.
He called as I was walking into a Tastefully Simple party, so I asked him to call in a few hours.
We ended up talking around 9:00.

Many things were said. I guess what I got from it was that he doesn't care about me. He was trying to, but he didn't---at least that's what he said. He said that I was more invested than he was. I said, "what do you mean?" He said, "Our feelings weren't the same." I said, "You know I wasn't planning a wedding!" He said that he knew but that my feelings were growing and his weren't. I cried, which made me mad. I told him that I couldn't change my feelings. He said he knew that I was mad that he hadn't called me when he got my text. I said, "I'm not mad-- I want to be mad, but I'm just hurt and confused."

So, last night, I called to apologize. He didn't answer--not surprising. I just left a message that said that I didn't want all of our conversations to end like Wednesday's and that I would work harder to avoid that in the future.

I need to not call anymore though because I want to keep my dignity. I'm grasping at straws. At this point, I feel like I haven't done anything wrong. If I begin to go psycho, then he'll have reason to not want to be with me.

I hate that he did this to me.

TEXT

Ok, I sent a text at about 9:30 that said,
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!"


and I didn't hear back.

Madder by the day....

This is his plan!
He isn't calling me because he knows I'll get madder as each day passes!

It is working. I'm pissed.

OR he thinks I'll call him when I'm ready. I won't. At least not right now. I'm getting good at not calling him first.

Sad, mad, and HURT

OK, our last words on Thursday were:
Me: I hope you'll call me.
Him: I will. I'll give you a few days before I do.

OK......that was Thursday. I didn't expect to hear from him over the weekend, but COME ON! It is Monday night---HE SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME BY NOW!

So now, I'm worrying.....
1. Has he not called me because he thinks I'm still too upset?
2. Has he not called me because he is too upset?
3. Does he think I'm mad?
4. Is he mad?

What is funny. Today, I was thinking that maybe I'd ask him if we could just consider this a break and reconsider in January. I hate that I'm all or nothing, but wanting to wait. I hate that he has done this me!

His Acrostic

Good grief!
Asinine
Rash
Yellow bellied

2 days now....new acrostic

Mad
Angry
Ranting and raving
Yearning to yell

Annoyed
Livid
Infuriated
Cross
Enraged

How to react...

So, he is supposed to call me in a few days.
I hope he doesn't. I can't be just friends. I told him from the start, ALL OR NOTHING.
When he does, what do I say? I cannot act like the last 5 months haven't happened. I cannot cry and beg him to reconsider. (Like I would do that, anyway.)
I guess there really isn't anything TO say. If I yell, all that does is make me look bad. If I don't say anything, well then, he can't say anything bad about me. That's really what I want....him to be the idiot who doesn't know what he gave up. NO--I want him to be the idiot who kicks himself for what he gave up.

acrostic

Mourning the loss of a friendship/relationship
Angry at him for not seeing my value
Really destroyed
Yearning to be loved

Always left out
Loves, but not loved
Injured heart
Can’t understand
Entirely broken hearted

My heart is broken....

Please send hate mail to garyaharrah@yahoo.com

Make the subject: You stupid idiot.

Make the message say: You have no idea what you have just tossed away. You will never, never, never find someone better than Mary Alice. You won't get her back either. And all that crap you were saying about valuing the friendship and hoping it continues...? Kiss it goodbye, too because she will not be friends with you after you have broken her heart. Another thing...don't think that she bought that shit you were selling about how you don't like how you were treating her so you didn't want to do it anymore. You were right about one thing - she doesn't deserve to be treated like this!

I don't like having a broken heart.

Good News? Bad News? News News?

Ok, went to the doctor.
1. Blood tests came back fine.....my hormones are good. (?)
2. Ultrasound came back....3.3 cm cyst on remaining ovary. Will watch for 3 months and have another ultrasound.
3. Mammogram came back....lumps were just dense cells.
4. Had the pap smear today.....wasn't easy....apparently a "tilted cervix" makes life difficult. The doctor THINKS she got what she needs. I need to call back in week (if I don't hear) to see if she was able to get the right stuff. If yes, and results were good, I can start birth control pills to regulate my menses---and avoid pregnancy, should Gary change his mind. If no, I have to go to a specialist who knows how to deal with weirdo cervixes.

Good news? Bad news? You decide.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb

So, once again, I tried to kiss Gary and he kissed me once and then turned his head.
I said, "why, why do you do that?"
He said, "What?"
I said, "Kiss me and then turn your head. It makes me feel like you don't want to."
He said, "It isn't that."
I said, "well, it makes me feel like you don't like me."

He said, "OH."

Could he seriously be so dumb as to think that by him "holding out" for the last 4 weeks that I wouldn't feel rejected?

I can't believe that I feel like the teenage boy whose girlfriend is a tease.

Redemption?

Ok, so I talked to Gary again last night.
I feel better, but that happens.

This last month has been SO STRESSFUL for our relationship. I hate that my posts are not positive. They used to be.

He is coming home today instead of tomorrow---I knew that would happen. I made plans with my friend Carrie for tonight. He wasn't supposed to be home. He sounded disappointed when I said I was busy--I DON'T GET IT!

I wish there was an easy way to be in a relationship.

Happy Thanksgiving

1. Does anyone actually read this ? I haven't had a comment in days!

2. Happy Thanksgiving. I'm stuffed. I didn't even eat any stuffing.

3. Inconsiderate. That's my latest description of my little bf. I had all of those tests yesterday, cried for a week about them, made him feel the LUMP, and he didn't even call me to see how they went. We talk every single day. Yesterday, our communication consisted of me sending a text wondering if he had made it safe to his Thanksgiving destination and him saying yes and then him sending me a text much later in the evening to say that he had joined the Legion. (This last part tells me that he was drinking there to celebrate the membership!) Finally, around 11:00, I sent him a text that said, "Can you believe that my bf didn't even call me to see how my tests went?" This morning, first thing, I get a call that starts with "I'm so sorry." He tried to say that he didn't know I would get results --LIKE IT MATTERS--when someone who is 31 gets a mammogram for the first time, it does not matter if she gets results. I cried for a week about these tests. I told him on Tuesday that he makes me feel insecure because he doesn't seem to care (which he debated) and THEN HE DOESN'T CALL ME! He was so apologetic. Finally, he said, "You are mad." I said, "Not mad, hurt and ...." He said, "disappointed." HELL YES! Is it wrong to want a boyfriend who understands your fear and wants to reassure you and check on you! I AM NOT NEEDY, but this was important!

4. I feel like all I do lately is write about how I don't feel good in this relationship. I've been thinking lately that maybe I need to take a break. I love him and want to be with him, but do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? The answer is NO. Actually the answer is "I DESERVE MORE!"

5. I think I'm going to put up my tree and put the lights on it, then take a little nap.

Happy Thanksgiving

Medical Questions ?

Ok, just got home from the mammogram.

The doctor who read the pictures says, "Well, nothing showed up and if you aren't feeling anything (which I told him that I felt it after my doctor pointed it out) then I won't order an ultrasound. If your doctor wants to do that, she can. I think it is normal. " SO--this confuses me a little. My doctor pointed it out and I do feel it.

I see my doctor next Wednesday. I'm going to say this to her: "If you felt it and I felt it, why is there nothing on the pictures?"

Denise Austin - HATE HER!

OK, so I'm on this "Reader Advisory Panel" for Women's Health magazine.
I participate in discussions about women's issues.
I just got a new fitness DVD in the mail. I'm to try it three times and fill out a questionnaires. I just did it for the first time. I haven't done Denise for a while. She is good....but so perky that it seems she might be possessed? Have you seen those eyes? She does this one rotating move on a fitness ball and is moaning these words of encouragement.....I thought I was watching a porno! I know it sounded like one!

Work Day

MY stud?

Work Day

HIS PARENTS...

are so nice.
I had fun and I think they liked me.

I'm anxious to get the report tomorrow, although men aren't so good at reporting.

Don't neglect thyself.

So, I haven't been to the OBGYN for 16 years.

I went today.

After my initial scolding, here is the conclusion:
1. must return in 2 weeks for pap smear.
2. must have ultrasound next week due to history of ovarian cysts.
3. must have blood work due to history of ovarian cysts.
4. must have mammogram due to lump found in breast.

I cried.
Now, I have to find out where to get blood work, where to get mammograms, and how to keep myself together.
I'm not telling my parents.

Meet the Parents

I get to meet his parents next Friday.....

I'm so nervous!
What do I wear?
What do I say?
What do I eat? What do I drink?

Will I ever stop overthinking things?

It bothered him!

So, tonight, after 2 nights of not talking to Gary, I went to his apartment.
I told him that I had needed time to come to a few conclusions: 1. he needs to decide if he can get over this hurt and 2. I need to decide if I can wait for that.
His response? It would have been nice if you had told me that.
I said: I didn't want to cry anymore to you and I didn't want to rehash it.
He said: A text would have been nice.
I said I was sorry.
When I was leaving, I asked for a hug.
As he was hugging me, he said, "Don't ever do that again."
I feel so much better.

I can't stand it.

I finally found someone who I love
and HE IS DAMAGED
and can't get over it.

Planned Ignoring

OK, I cried myself to sleep last night.

I have decided, but couldn't tell him, yet, that I need a little break.

I can't talk to him every day and see him, yet not be appreciated.
So, I decided yesterday that I'm not taking his calls. (I know it is childish.)
He called me at 8:00 and I didn't take it. Then, he sent me a text at 8:45 and I didn't respond.

So, today, at 4:30, he calls me again and leaves another message. It sounded a little bit like he getting that I'm not calling him back.

I'm hoping that he doesn't call again tonight, because I'm afraid that I might answer.
I need to decide if I can wait for him and continue to feel nonappreciated.
I'm not sure that I can.

How I'm Feeling

He is scared.

Ok, we met at Dunkin Donuts (a neutral place) tonight.
I cried and he said, "Is this really the place to talk about this?"
We moved to my car and I said what I went to say:
1. It makes me feel bad when you don't appreciate my cards.
2. It makes me feel bad that you don't want to be with me on Thanksgiving.
3. If you don't see this going anywhere, you better let me know right now!

His response: "I am usually the one giving and not receiving and I don't know what to do when you are nice to me. I do appreciate the cards, but I don't know how to tell you. I don't know why I let you give to me, but I can't open up to you."

He said, "I do want to be with you, but I don't know why I can't open up."

I said, "Yes, you do know why! You don't want to get hurt like you were before."
He just hung his head.

We left things with him saying he needs time. He said that I'm good at giving him alone time and time with his friends. I asked if he feels like he HAS to be with me. He says, "No, but I hate being alone and you being alone in your apartment or you working on a Saturday."

He says that he doesn't want to lead me on. He says that he promises to tell me if he doesn't see this going anywhere and he apologized for making me feel this way.

One more thing: he says that I'm right that he is scared. ( Last week, he said that he doesn't know what is wrong with him and I said, "I think you like me and that scares you.")

Perspective

OK, I've cried and prayed. I feel a calmness now. I have some perspective.
He is doing just what he did to me in July....Close, at least.
He said it last night...."Things were so intense and going so fast."
He likes me--no, he LOVES me and that scares him!

So, now, I am going to just pray and work on that for myself and make him BEG TO KISS ME!

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

All I wanted was to know that I am important to him.
I told him that.
He felt bad.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
I cried some more.
I'm so tired of crying.

He says, "Well, I didn't want to insist that you see me tonight. I wanted to take you out to dinner." At 5:04 pm I got a text message that said, "you eat yet?" My friends had badgered me all day -- wanted to make sure that I wasn't alone tonight. At 5:00 I had agreed to have dinner with one of them. When I told him that I had plans, he said, "Ok." HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY OK! He is supposed to say that he had plans to take me out to dinner! I told him that. His response? "I'm not the type of person who says 'No, I wanted to be with you.'" I said, "Well, it made me feel like I'm not important to you."

This sucks.

Bad Influence

Ok, so I'm feeling pretty bad about myself.
He has been a little grouchy lately.
I was getting the feeling that he didn't want to be with me.
I called him a little while ago. We had some small chit chat. Finally, I asked him if he was going to watch "the game" alone. He asked me if I wanted to watch it with him. I said, "Umm. Maybe. I get the feeling that you are feeling smothered by me." He said, "A little."

We went on to talk and he says he feels like he isn't focusing on God. He made sure to say that he wasn't totally blaming me (which means he is partially blaming me, I guess). He kept saying that he doesn't want our relationship to be like everyone else's. I made him tell me specifically what he meant. It all comes down to SEX. He acknowledged that he sends me mixed messages. Of course, I cried. I didn't want to, but the tears came out. I felt bad for my part in this and I felt bad because I didn't want it to change.

He wants to get a Christian dating book. I told him that I hate those books because they aren't designed for adults! They are written for teenagers and some of the things in there are unrealistic for adults.

So, now, I have a headache and I don't know what to do. To make matters worse, tomorrow is my birthday and I don't know if I'll see him. AND I don't know if I want to.

He kept asking if I was mad. Not mad, hurt.
Dating is hard.

Stressed

Ok, I feel pulled in WAY too many directions.
School, extras, grad school, friends, roommate, boyfriend....etc.
Somethings gotta' give.
What do I do?

I spend so much time at school worrying about stuff that isn't classroom related. I think the classroom suffers.

HOW IN THE HELL DO I TELL MY BOSS THAT I CAN'T DO MY JOB BECAUSE OF MY JOB?

Space? Alone time?

Ok, it has never been a secret that he needs to be alone sometimes. My question is this: how can I give him time away from me without feeling rejected? I was away this weekend, which I know he was excited about. We decided to come home early--for multiple reasons. I could tell that he wasn't thrilled about that. I told him that we didn't have to see each other....which he was reluctant to agree to. He knew that I wanted to see him. I don't want him to resent me, though, so I said we didn't have to see each other. He told me that he didn't want to be a jerk, but he really just wanted to sit on his couch alone.

Fine. So, I'm trying to be ok with that. I'm watching TV, I'm playing on the computer, I'm thinking of calling someone else to go out with. Then, he sends me a text that says, "Thanks for being understanding." I wanted to scream, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I didn't respond at all. I think that if he wants alone time, we aren't going to talk during it. So, I watched the PSU game and did laundry.

Today, I get up and he sent me a text at 9:00 AM that said, "Brrr, can you help to warm me up?" (His apartment is cold.) It ticked me off. I sent him a response that said, "Tease."

I just don't get it. I don't get me, either.

Damn it! Who prayed for patience for me?

You know I do not pray for patience....because God will make me wait for it.
I called the doctor today to schedule an appointment for a check-up and the birth control talk.
Guess how long I have to wait for an appointment----OVER A MONTH!
COME ON! Now, who is laughing ?
I guess this gives me some more time to think about my decision.

oh, birth control

Holy cow.
It is so stressful to pick a woman doctor.
Why on earth is it so hard? I guess because God has a plan.

MAS

Birth Control

I hate that abstinence is the only 100% type of birth control. I hate that my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me because he doesn't want me to be pregnant.

MassageOil Part 2

Ok, tonight it was even better!
Good purchase.

MassageOil

...is WONDERFUL.
The warming kind. Oh, so delicious!
So relaxing.
It made me write tons of sentence fragments!
Love and lust and intimacy, yum.

Feeling sad....

Depression is setting in.....it may be that I'm overwhelmed.
I don't know how to dig myself out of this.
I can list all of the good things in my life, but still feel gross.
I need to take a bath, I think.

Thanks, God

Ok, I've been struggling with really wanting to have sex.
I'm sick. I mean it--I've got a cold.
Thank God!

Also, we went for Chinese tonight. Are you one of those people who says, "in bed" at the end of your fortune? Gary is. Listen to our fortunes:
Mine: Determination is what you need now (in bed). How funny since I am determined to save sex for marriage.
His: Do not put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today (in bed). How ironic--I'm trying to not have sex and his fortune says to not put things off!

Ironic.

SEX-- tired of waiting.

OK, Val, so you are the only one reads this, I think.
At one time, Carrie and Susan did, too---but I don't think they check it anymore.

ANYWAY--my married friends say that sex is over-rated. (Most of them.) It is so tempting. I'm sure part of the lure is that it is forbidden..... but MAN is it tough!

Usually, I am not the one who draws the line. However, today, I was. It was hard....because if I had wanted to continue, he totally would have. It is funny to me that I think I actually wanted to preserve his virginity, not mine.

I've got a long road of cold showers ahead of me.
I hate that.

Contentment

I'm so happy.
I'm really content with how things are now.

I want to sleep over.

I am so tired.
I know that I would be well rested if I could just stay with him and truly sleep.
If we could get in bed and go to sleep at 10:00 instead of being together on the couch until one of us forces me to leave, (much, much later than that) I know we would both be healthier.
We have to figure something out.

I said it.

I said "I love you" tonight.
He said, "Those are strong words."
He didn't say it back, but I told him that he didn't have to. He said that he wasn't quite ready yet.
I thought that I would be upset if he didn't say it back, but I'm just glad that I said it and that he knows.
MAS

Vulnerability

He knows me so well.....it totally freaks me out.
I hate that someone knows me inside and out, but at the same time, I LOVE IT!

What's my prob?

OH!
I'm moody, grumpy, want to cry, stress eating......
It isn't my time of the month.
What is it?
OH MY!
I think it is that I love him! I really want to tell him, but I'm so scared.
Aack. I've never never felt this way.
I need to get a grip!

New BF

OK, so now that I'm dating someone new, I feel like posting.
Here is a picture.....more to come later!
MAS