I Promise...

to blog more faithfully once I get my Internet hooked up in my new house.

I told my parents a week ago. We all cried a little bit and my dad kept saying, "I don't know why you don't just get married," BUT they did OK with it.

We had a big "Father's Day lunch" yesterday where we had my parents, Marc's dad and step-mom, and Marc's mom and step dad over. It was very nice. Friday, I asked Garrett's mom if I could pick him up before Marc got home and the two of us could get a gift for Marc and she let me. So, Garrett was so happy to have a gift for Marc! We bought him a seat cover for his truck (which is also a gift for me since I hate sitting on the dirty seat) and a steering wheel cover. Yesterday, he kept saying, "Did you see my dad's truck?" It was so cute. Marc really appreciated it, too.

So, I've spent the last week taking care of utilities and slowly moving my things to Marc's. I have 2 boxes that fit in my car and I come here, fill the boxes and then head back to Marc's to find space. It is fun. Garrett loves seeing what I've brought and helping to find a place for things.

The Big Move

Ok, I haven't posted in a while because I haven't known how to say what I'm about to say.

We are almost sure that I'm moving in with him. The last piece of the puzzle is going to be telling my parents. It is a necessary evil as I live in the same town as they do AND they are my landlords.

Any advice?

I'm crying

I'm crying because I had to come HOME to my APARTMENT. The one without Marc. He has Garrett this weekend and I think that I shouldn't stay there when he is there. (I feel like he needs someone to TRY to set a good example--even if I am sleeping there every other night!)

I hated leaving. This isn't my home anymore, his place is.

Right now, I don't care if I have an engagement ring, or a fancy wedding, I just want to be married and be together.

I hate this! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

Oh, did I mention that I got home at 10:15 and my engaged roommate is already in bed. I guess you wouldn't want to spend a Saturday night with your fiancee, now would you?

Answers for Question Girl

Question Girl, you asked some questions in your comment and Val is demanding that I answer them.

Really, only 2 of my friends are giving me a hard time.
1. Tracy. Friend since H.S. and roommate of 17 months. Never single, can't handle it. Engaged to be married in August. Is jealous of me in many ways. (I know that sounds conceited, but it is true.) She is not outgoing and is jealous that I have many friends. Was jealous of last bf, too. Her fiance does not call for days at a time, is hours late, will go out of town for business for a week and not call. Fine, that is their business - but she wants to talk to him every day. She hates that I'm not here to keep her entertained when she is alone.

2. Mandy. Married. Friend for about 5 years. My friend, but has gotten to know Tracy through me. Opinion is affected by Tracy calling and talking about me.

I have talked with both of them about this situation.
Tracy says that I won't admit that I was wrong about him. (because I was overwhelmed by the attention and our differences when we first met) I told her that I am aware of the change in my opinion and that he knows of my original apprehension. I used to say that I didn't mind being alone some nights and that I need my alone time. I still need some time to myself (which I get when I ask for it), but I didn't know that I could love being with someone ALL THE TIME! I still think that it comes down to her missing me and being jealous that I found someone who gives me what she always wanted.

Mandy was upset that I got pissed when she voiced her opinion. I told her that I was pissed that she and Tracy couldn't be happy for me. Mandy and I have pretty much gotten over it, although I still see her exchange looks with Tracy when Marc calls me or texts me.

OK, girls. Does that cover it?

Another Thursday

Hi.
Tonight was WW night. I talked to Marc on the way home from school and told him that I'd call him when I got home from the meeting, sometime between 7:00 and 8:00. We were on our way home and at 7:15, my phone is ringing. I decided to ignore it. He leaves a message. Then, I get a text that says something like, "You can't talk for a second when you are with them?" This made me angry. Then, he calls again. So, I answer. He asks if I know where his insurance book is because his tooth (which he pulled himself earlier this week with pliers) is infected and he is in great pain. I tell him that I don't. Then, he says, (really snotty) "Sorry to bother you when you are with your friends." I didn't say anything. (We are all in a car together and they are listening!) I said that I was sorry for not answering because I didn't realize that he was in pain. He says, "I love it when you ignore me like that." I told him that I'd be home in 15 minutes and I'd call him then.

When I called he apologized for being mean. It was the pain. It probably was.

I do feel badly that he is in pain and I ignored him, but all that I ask for is one night a week.

In other news: he asked me to move in yesterday.
I cannot.

We've also been talking about marriage.

Anyway...

He misses me

OK, so tonight is Thursday. That means Weight Watchers with friends. (Usually, I look forward to this, but "friends" have been less than supportive about Marc, so I've been hating Thursdays, but ANYWAY.)

Marc called twice (once in response to a text that I sent requesting a photo text of his kid) and texted twice. I tried to be slick about it, but I could see the groans and looks from friends.

I talked to him when I got home and asked why he called me. The arrangement was that I would call him when I got home. He said that he thought I would be home. (He isn't angry or anything.) Then, I said that my friends would think that he had me on a short leash or thought he had to check up on me. His response? (strongly) "Just tell them that I miss you." I said that they wouldn't understand that. He said, "Who cares? Just tell them that."

I LOVE being with him every day and basically living with him. BUT -- I do not want to be smothered. To this point, I don't feel that way, but I worry that it will turn into that!

Any thoughts?

Update

So, I was waiting to update until someone noticed that it had been a month.
Way to go, Val!

Why haven't I updated? Well, truth be told, I've not been near my computer very much in the last month. Basically, I get home from work, work out, and head to Marc's where I sleep over unless he has Garrett. We have been having this big debate about whether I live there or not. I say no because I have nothing there other than a toothbrush. He says please bring things and start voting about decor, cleaning, organization. I say that I'm not doing those things without marriage, that it is his place to do what he wants with. It is ongoing.

We had Easter dinner with my family last night...my sister is in town, but will leave early today as she has to work tomorrow. Poor Garrett was the only kid. He dealt with it pretty well.

Today, we are going to his aunt's for lunch. I'm nervous about this and not really looking forward to it. I want to get to know his sister, but she has to work and isn't coming until later.

The challenges of life....

Passing Tests

OK, so, Marc continues to pass tests.
I'm not testing him, but as we progress, I realize things.

I think I said before that when I cooked for Gary, he would say, "This is good, but it would be better if..., etc." When I cook for Marc, he says, "You are going to spoil me by cooking like this! I could get used to this!"

When I would send cards to Gary, he would say, "Why do you waste your money?" When I send them to Marc, he says, "Got your card... you are so cute! Thank you."

I do not have regular mood swings with my period, but at times, I can be irrationally emotional. This past week, for example, included an occurrence like this. Tuesday, I left school early to go to the doctor. I was finished there by 3:00, so I did some grocery shopping and headed to Marc's. I started some laundry and began cooking dinner. He had a crappy day at work and was so excited to come home and find me cooking. We had dinner (which he LOVED) and then retired to the couch. Soon, he was snoring. No problem, he is tired, I think. So, I continue laundry, clean up, run the dishwasher, fix the coffee for the morning, try to be loud to wake him up, put my pj's on. He does not wake up...well, he stirs and goes back to sleep. After 2 hours and me waking him up 3 times and asking him to go to bed, I've had it! The third time, he says, "The dog needs to go out before we go to bed" and rolls back over. So, I put the dog out, wait for him to get up, let the dog back in, lock up, go over to him and say, "OK, the dog is ready, the coffee is ready, I'm ready to put my clothes back on and go home." His eyes pop open and he says, "OK, I'm coming." We get into bed, and I start crying. He begs to know. Finally, I tell him that I went there to be with him, not to listen to him snore and do all of his household chores. Then, I blurt out, "Is this what it is going to be like for the rest of our lives?" He says, "No! This is the first time in 2 MONTHS that I've slept like that. You know I'll help you." We get through it, and later he asks if I'm OK because I've been emotional lately. I say I might be getting my period and we laugh and he says he thought so. We've been laughing about it for days now. I was upset that he was sleeping, which is OK, but was totally emotional and overreacted. He was so understanding about it. Patient and kind, too.

Anyway, that's another test. Gary would have told me that I was crazy and wouldn't have been kind at all.

This week, I have noticed my feelings turning towards knowing that I want to be with Marc for always!

Oh, and this week, he said, "I love you" and I said it back!

Did you know...

that you only have to take birth control pills for one week before they are effective? I was thinking I had months or at least one month! Good gravy! Good think I didn't tell him that I got it.

I'm tired of living in 2 houses.

So, we've been dating for 2 months.
I (by far) spend more time at his house than mine....but my roommate is not nice to him.

I'm so tired of having things in 2 places...well, of having nothing at his place. I refuse to live there (so, I just sleep there and put last night's clothes back on) and I've only got a toothbrush there. He is after me to take some things there, but I feel like that will really be admitting that we could be close to living together.

Every day he asks me to come over and says how well he sleeps when I am next to him. While I love sleeping next to him, I sleep best alone when I know I can sleep until 7:00 AM, not 4:40! He wants me to stay in bed and keep sleeping, but once I'm up, I'm up.

Yesterday, at his place, we had friends over. The men went to get the pizza and we women stayed behind with the kids. While they were gone, she said to me, "Looks like he is fixing this place up for you!" (He got new carpet and has been working on some home improvement projects while being laid off these last few weeks.) I've thought the same thing and addressed it with him. That is his ex-wife's house. She picked it out. I know that I spend a lot of time there and that I sleep there, but I do not think that I can live there.

His Answers

1. He says he'll go with me. I want him to want to go for himself, not for me. Sticky situation.

2. His past is sordid. I know there were many. He was a wild man before he met me.

3. I think he gets tested regularly -- at a later time, I will need to ask more details.

4. I want to be on birth control-- in case. (Plus, it MIGHT make my period regular.) I'm not sure if I want to wait forever, but I want to be prepared.

5. I think he does love me. I won't ask the question. I know better. I'm going to let him say it first. He told me the other night that he isn't "totally in love, but I'm on my way." That's good enough for me.

My Questions

1. I can not be a woman who goes to church while her husband stays home. Can you deal with that?

2. What is your sexual past like? Just how many partners HAVE you had?

3. Why did you get tested last summer?

4. Do you know that I'm getting birth control next week but not telling you yet?

5. Do you love me?

An Idea for You

This isn't the exact pendant, but you get the idea....

Happy Valentine's Day

When I woke up this morning, I called Marc.
His first words to me were "Happy Valentine's Day."
The funny thing? I hadn't yet remembered what day it was. Isn't he sweet?

I can't wait to see him today.

School is canceled again today. So, I'm going to do some much needed cleaning in my bedroom and then focus on getting all dolled up for our date.

I'm kind of nervous about the drive in this snow. I just keep telling myself that I can take it slowly and carefully and I'll be fine.

Happy Valentine's Day. I'll report tomorrow about the rest of my gifts!

Pre-Valentine's Day

Good morning. No school today.

Last night, Marc and I ran to "town" for a few things. He had been planning to buy my Valentine's day gift tonight, but was worried because of all the snow that was predicted. I suggested we stop at the mall and split up. Fine.

So, we went into the mall. Allison called me as we were going in, so I sat on a bench and talked to her. I didn't pay attention to where he was going. ... I wanted to be surprised. He came out and she asked to talk to him. So, I gave him the phone. They were talking. So, then, he said he couldn't tell her what he got because I was listening. So, I walked away. He came and found me, hung up and we left. As we were pulling out of the lot, my phone rang again. It was Allison. She asked to talk to Marc again. She told him that he had to exchange what he bought. So, we turned around and went back to the mall. He wanted me to go into the store. I didn't want to because I wanted to be surprised. So, I called my friend, Carrie. She couldn't talk long, though, so I called Allison and said, "Don't tell me what it is, but please tell me that it isn't an engagement ring." She laughed and said, "It isn't."

Marc came out of the store and we left. He was sure that I knew what I was getting. I really didn't. He said, "I know that Allison told you." I told him that she didn't. He said, "What are you smiling about? Did you ask her?" I laughed and said that I just called and wanted to make sure that it wasn't a ring.

At his place, he gave me a wrapped gift. I wanted to wait until tomorrow night, but he wanted me to "wear it tomorrow because Allison will want to see it." So, I took it. I opened it and found this BEAUTIFUL diamond heart necklace. It was white gold. I put it on. Then, he told me that he had bought a yellow gold necklace. Allison had asked this question and hinted that I don't wear yellow gold. He didn't get the hint. So, that's why she called back. (That's a good friend!) Anyway, it is so beautiful.

He makes me happy.

I met Garrett

Ok, tonight, I met Garrett.

I went to their house. We went to dinner. We did some shopping for carpet at Lowe's. We went bowling. We went back to Marc's house to play Uno. I left.

I cried. A little.

This is so overwhelming. I'm really starting to like Marc. I mean, like care for him more than anyone....including how I felt about Gary. Now, there is this whole other person included in the equation.

Now, I liked Garrett. He liked me -- according to Marc. Marc says he is so happy because we met and had fun and like each other.

Can I be a step mother? Can I put someone else first? Do I want to do either of these things? Sometimes YES and sometimes NO!

Future of Cohabitation

Val asked some good questions about the future for my roommate and for me.
Well, when you ask about Tracy and Justin living together, I assume you mean once they are married. First, she will not live with him because he lives with his mother. (Although many predict that his mom will eventually live with them.) They have looked at some houses to buy or rent once they are married. She cried when she found out that our preacher won't marry you if you are living together -- can you believe some people think that is living in sin?!

As far as the future of Marc and I living together. We will not. I will not. He thinks you should have to live together before you are married. I do not. (Although the line gets fuzzy when one stays over as much as I do.) He has a house on his own property. So, it wouldn't make sense for him to move in with me. I do not want to live in the house that he built for his ex-wife, however. So, that does pose a problem.

Not to worry -- we've quite some time to think about our living situation, as this whole relationship is new.

In other news.....Marc didn't work today. So, he came to my school to get my car and go wash it! It was SO DIRTY that you couldn't see my license plate. The sweetness! He was the talk of the school! It was so cute! Makes me like him more every day!

Next, I'm meeting Garrett (his son) tomorrow night. We are going out for Chinese food and bowling. A few weeks ago, I made Marc some chocolate chip cookies. Garrett ate the whole plate and asked Marc to get him some more. So, I thought that I'd make him some cookies since we are meeting tomorrow. Marc says to me tonight, "I told Garrett about bowling tomorrow night and he is excited." I say, "Did you tell him about the cookies? I think that's why he is excited." He says, "Well, yeah, I did tell him."

I'm so close to being in love with this guy!

Another sleep over

I don't have keys to his place because he doesn't lock the doors.

I have just a toothbrush there.

He has nothing here.

I slept over again last night. It wasn't the plan. I was getting ready to come home and my roommate called to pick a fight. She can't be happy for me that I found someone who makes me happy and wants to be with me. I invited her and her fiance to a night out in 2 weeks and she feels like I only invited her because I was already going and it would be easy to combine. I have invited her out several times and she has turned me down. When I asked for this night, even, she was so wishy washy. I'm so ready for her to get married and move out. Then, she'll be Justin's problem.

What constitutes "living together?"

OK, so I'm getting a bad rep for being a poor blogger.
(Or LAZY, according to Question Girl.)

Here's the thing. He doesn't have the Internet and this will be the first night that I've slept in my own bed since last Wednesday. (I KNOW!)

I am sleeping here tonight. He is coming to visit, but will not sleep over. There are 2 reasons for this: his dogs and my roommate.

He thinks that a couple should live together before they get married. I do not. He thinks we're living together because we had 5 consecutive sleep overs. I think I was just snuggling up to him, putting last night's clothes on, and coming home for a shower and work.

Regardless, I need to stop it. I do love sleeping next to someone.

He met my friends on Saturday. They all liked him. I drank A LOT and my friends were quite worried that he would take advantage of me. He didn't. They said, "We like him, but we just didn't know yet if he would take advantage." One friend said, "Don't let him slip away!"

I met his family on Sunday. They were really nice. They like me a lot-- because I am making him "settle down." I really haven't done anything. He just likes doing boring things with me, I guess.

Anyway, tonight, I'm sleeping alone. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know that I need it.

My question to those who read this is: when does it change from "sleeping over" to "living together?"

Who needs sleep?

Good Morning.
Thanks to question girl, I realized that I haven't blogged in a few days.
That's because I've been busy seeing Marc every single day since my last entry.

Friday - we met my parents and had dinner at the Olive Garden.
Saturday - he made dinner for me and we just watched a movie on his couch.
Sunday - he helped me grade papers and we sat on my couch.
Monday - I went to his house, he got dinner for us, we watched my favorite shows, "How I Met Your Mother" and "The Class" and then we snuggled all night.
Tuesday - I hurried up and did some homework, he came over and we watched American Idol.
Wednesday - He came over, I made dinner for him, and we watched American Idol.
We are both very tired, but very happy.

I start parent- teacher conferences this morning, so I better get ready!
Have a great day and I'll try to keep you updated more regularly!

:)

Where is your line?

OK, so I have told Marc that I'm saving sex.
Tonight, he says, "so, what exactly don't you do?"

I buried my face in his chest!
I said, "I knew you were going to ask me that. You haven't crossed any lines yet. I would let you know if I was uncomfortable."
He says, "This is killing me! I just wasn't sure."

I didn't know how to answer him.
Finally, I told him where my line was.
He said OK.

I'm glad that he can be an adult as apparently I cannot.

Meet the Parents

I arranged a meeting between Marc and my parents.

We are going out to dinner tonight and driving past my parents house.
So, I said, "Let's stop by. I have a few things to pick up and drop off."

My parents are delighted! (Of course they are. I am a 31 year old, never married woman who doesn't bring men home.) Marc says, "OH! I get to meet the parents first?" He has been telling me how all of his parents (2 parents, 2 step parents) can't wait to meet me. I told him that I finally told my mom about him on Sunday and I figured she'd tell my dad. He told his mom about me after the first date. I'm not sure why I cooked up this idea of him meeting my parents right away. I think because I'm nervous about meeting his parents and I figured that if he has already met mine, it won't be that big of a deal. MAYBE? Or maybe I'm hoping something will go wrong and then we can be done. I'm really starting to care about him and that sort of scares me.

I think he might be a little bit nervous. He says, "Did you tell them that I'm a hill-billy from the backwoods?" I said, "No, I just said you were a big old country boy." He laughed. I said, "Why?" He said, "Because you said that I'm not like the guys you usually date." I said, "Well, this is true, however, you are like the guy my sister married." That is true in some ways. Matt and Marc have similar farming experiences.... but that's about where the similarities end.

Anyway. That's tonight. I'm quite excited!

The Talk

Tonight, we had "the talk."
Does he want to remarry? YES
Do I want to marry? YES
Do I want to have children? Not sure, probably not.
Does he want more children? Not sure, probably not!

Oh, man. This is going way too well.

The sickness

So, my mother took me to the ER today to get some medicine for this cold.
I wanted to just go to the doctor tomorrow, but my dad yelled at me, told me I should have gone last week and told me that I'd never get in to see the doctor tomorrow.

So, I asked to speak to my mother and she took me.

I got a Zpack and the doctor thinks I have sinusitis. I, however, disagree. My sinuses are fine. My glands are totally swollen - it hurts to swallow -- and my chest hurts. Whatever. The zpack works on any infection, so it will work.

The bad news? All pharmacies are closed at this time on Sunday, so I have to wait until tomorrow.

The good news? Marc wanted to come over and hold me. I didn't let him because I need to rest, but I thought it was SWEET!

Boys, Sex, Bridesmaids Dresses, My Body

So, Marc came over last night, too.
We watched Eight Below and sat under a blanket. It was so nice.
I love being held.
I love when he says, "Damn, you are so good lookin'."

He stayed until almost 1:00. He had to get up for work at 4:45....... I love that he stayed until I threw him out. Gary always thought he would turn into a pumpkin at 10:00 - he ran from here when the clock struck!

I love when he touches my sides....it makes me want to continue with my weight loss. I love the motivation.

Tracy and I went shopping today, again. She ordered her wedding dress and we chose what we THINK will be the bridesmaid dress. It is beautiful, but really hugs the waist. If you don't know me, I'm thick in the waist. Now, I've been losing in this area, but still thick. Again, motivated to continue to work out.

Can I be back at -65 pounds by August? Probably...that's about 18 more pounds. I've been working out like crazy and am totally motivated by the dress and by Marc's hands.

Question Girl -- your comment totally makes me like him more. If we break up, do you want me to direct him to you? (By the way, he knows NOTHING about computers. I had to teach him about Ipods and laptops last weekend. He thought it was a "labtop." He says it makes sense now!)

Sick

OK, so I'm sick.
I stayed home today.
On his break, Marc sends a text asking how I am.
After work, he sends a text asking if I'm OK and if I need anything.
Then, he asks if he can see me.

I love this!

I told him to come over. We had pizza, chips, and pop! And we cuddled on the couch...germs and all.

Every day

I like him more every day.
I've thought about this (and was asked by a good friend today) and I know that I'm starting to like him and not just the idea of him.

So, I spoke my peace....

Friends have been saying that I'm leading Marc on because I haven't been honest about my expectations.

So, last night, on the phone, I said what I needed to. I told him that I liked him and didn't want to hurt him, but had a few things to say.

I told him that church was important to me and I needed to be with someone for who it is important as well. He said it was important and that he would go. (Not exactly what I'm looking for, but getting there.)
Second, I told him that I'm saving sex for marriage. His answer: "OK." pause. "Sex ain't everything." Me: "I know, but it seems to be part of the deal with people our age and for me it isn't." Him: "OK."

So, I feel much better because I've been honest and not misleading about my expectations.

We talked about a few other things. He is worried that I'll get upset when the weather gets warmer and he'll be working 6 days a week and long, long hours. I told him that if that is his job, then that's his job. He worries that we'll have plans and he'll have to call and cancel because he has to work late. I told him that that isn't a problem, but it would be a problem if he called me to cancel because he was going to the bar with the guys.

He was amazed that I don't care that he hunts. I told him that I don't want to be told that I can't shop with my friends or things like that, so why would I care that he wants to go hunting. If he loves it, he should do it.

He says, "I hope that's true because I've lost a few girlfriends and an ex-wife over hunting and my job." I just laughed and laughed.

It makes me feel good that he is worried about that.

Does anyone read this?

I'm not sure that anyone reads this.
I know 2 people do, but I don't know how often.

I'm not sure why I do this....maybe just for me.

Not so bad

Ok, so Marc isn't so bad.
We had a great dinner, great conversation, and I let him kiss me some more.

I can't take a compliment though. WAIT-- I can't recognize one, even.
He calls me on the way home. He asks how my day was. I ask how his was. His response, "It was OK. It will be better in a little while now." I said, "Why, because you aren't at work?" He says, "NO, because I'm going to dinner with youuuu." Me, to myself, "YOU IDIOT!" To him, "Oh, you are so sweet."

I'M AN IDIOT!

He was telling me that he was saying all day that they had to quit at 5:00 because he had to get home. He said they were teasing him about having a hot date and he told them that was right. I handled that a little bit better!

I thought I would let him chase me.

OK, on Sunday, Marc asked me if I wanted to go to dinner sometime this week. I said, "yes." He asked what days weren't good. I said, "Thursday."

Yesterday, at 3:40 (when he thought school was out) he sent me a text that asked if I had a good day and did I have plans. During the day, I had made plans to work out with Allison and then to grocery shop with Tracy. (We hadn't been to the grocery store in about 3 weeks!) I told him that I had made plans. I called him on the way to work out. He didn't ask about another night this week. He doesn't get home from work until 6:30 or 7:00 and said he didn't want to make me wait that late to eat.

Around 9:30, I got a good night text.
I responded with a text that said, "Will I get to see you this week?"
He said, "Do you want to do something Saturday?"
I WAS DISAPPOINTED- which I had to laugh at myself about.
Me: I guess I can wait until Saturday.
Marc: Have you ever eaten at Hickory Grill? When do you want to go?
Me: I love the Hickory Grill. How about tomorrow?
He called me. (Wait, wasn't I letting him chase me? Didn't I just force him to make a date this week? Oh brother!)

I wrote to my pastor yesterday about this situation. (divorce and child)
He sent back a thoughtful response about h0w he thought it was good that I'm using my head to guide and guard my heart. He says he mailed me an article with some Biblically based points of view on divorce and remarriage. He wants me to struggle with it a little bit and then he wants to meet to talk and pray. (He is on study leave for the next 2 weeks -- I'm glad I caught him before he is unavailable.)

Not as much to say

So, since Thanksgiving, I've had many things to say and tons to post.

I haven't had as much to say since the New Year started. I've forced myself to do it AND I know that they aren't as content rich as in the past.

I wish I had more to say, but I'm glad that the heartache is dulling. Although through all of this, the love hasn't changed. I'm wondering when it will....when will I love him less or not at all?

Confusion....

Gary totally confuses me. HE wanted to be friends, now that I have been trying really hard for that, he can't seem to handle it.

Marc on the other hand, is still calling quite consistently. I do not enjoy talking on the phone with him because we seem to have nothing to talk about on the phone. (We have stuff to talk about in person, weird.) I decided yesterday that I think I'm going to try it at least through Valentine's Day. I'm not sure, though. I THINK.

However, if Gary called me, I'd run back to him in a hearbeat.

I am pa-the-tic!

OK, the last call was Tuesday.
I thought I would get Wednesday off. He didn't call on Thursday either, so (being the needy girl who wants to make sure she gets the attention she wants) I sent him a text. We texted back and forth a few times and then I went to bed.

Tonight, he sends a text. Then, calls me.

I was happy about it until I learned that he was with his kid -- in the truck! I told him that maybe this wasn't the best time to talk. He said, "Oh, we talk all the time" -- meaning he talks to his kid all the time. I just didn't feel right about it. So, I said I had to get my homework started.

I'm loving it!

Marc didn't call today and I'm so glad!
I'm liking him more every day that he doesn't call me.
Weird?

I just like being given my space!
Whew!

Happy New Year - 2 things.

Happy New Year!
I can't believe that it has been 3 days since I posted!

I've been overwhelmed.
I went out with Marc again on Saturday night, which I told you.

Sunday, I went for a walk, got home, took a shower, and discovered a text that said:
"Good Morning, Sunshine."
I said, "SHIT!" "SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!"

Later, he called me DURING CHURCH. (I had the phone on vibrate.)
I called him back and we had a quick chat. Justin was picking us up to go to the local bar to watch the last Steelers game, so I rushed him off the phone. He said, "Call me after the game." I was in such a hurry that I said OK. Then, I was mad at myself.

So, I decided not to call. Well, then he called me. I ignored the call and he left some message about the Steeler game. (He doesn't like Pittsburgh.) I waited a few hours and sent a text that said something like, "Now that's how you win a football game. No time to talk-- call me in a few days. Happy New Year!"

I get a response that says, "Did I do something wrong?"

Me: "Just take your time."

Him (paraphrased): "OK, I don't want to mess this up. You are very cute and nice and I've had more fun in the last 2 days that I have had in a long time."

ME (not texting) : ARGHHHHH!

I didn't respond. I didn't think it was necessary. That night, I got a text that said, "Happy New Year." I didn't respond. I didn't think it was necessary.

He respected me and didn't call me yesterday. I was so glad -- I'll tell you about that in a minute.

He did call tonight. I was having dinner with Tracy and Mandy, so I asked if I could call him back. I did. We had a nice, 28 minute phone call. It was so much more relaxed. He wasn't pressuring me at all. Finally, I said that I needed to get ready for school tomorrow. He said, "You are really busy this week, aren't you?" I said yes and reminded him of what I've got going on. He said that he was hoping that we could have dinner sometime and would I wait to eat with him since he doesn't get home until about 7:00. I said that would be nice, just not this week. He seemed ok with that. He asked if next week was good and I said yes. We left it at that. I don't have to worry about this weekend because he has his son and I'm very busy.

THE OTHER BIG NEWS: Tracy and Justin got engaged! YEAH! They are thinking about a summer wedding. They got engaged on New Years Eve and have been hot on the phone making arrangements! It is cute-- Justin is more excited than she is. He is already making his guest list!

I better get to bed.
Love you!

Date # 2

OK, we went out again tonight.
"We are Marshall" and Eat'n Park.

I told him that I am not ready to meet his son tomorrow. I told him that I never dated anyone with a kid and that I want to take that REALLY slow. He seemed to understand that.

I let him kiss me.

I told Tracy tonight : "This guy is going to say he loves me in 2 weeks." She said, "You are so right!"

So many thoughts

Ok. I just got home. We did dinner, bowling, the bar (connected to bowling alley), and then Kings for coffee. He is cute. Tall, blonde, goatee, broad. Country. Boots & a baseball cap. Used to ride bulls.

Divorced. Seven year old son named Garrett (I said country.)

We had fun and had a nice time talking.

He asked me to go to a New Year's Eve party...then told me that his son will be there. THEN - he asked me to go out tomorrow night, too.

I need some time to process this, but right now I'm getting the vibe that he is LONELY! I liked him, but I'm not ready to spend my entire weekend with him.

Tom Caves asked me today if he is a Christian. I said that I didn't know. We were talking about tattoos tonight and I told him that one of mine is of the trinity. He said, "What's that?" No problem, I tell him it is for the father, the son, and the holy ghost. He says, "Oh, I didn't know." So, I'm guessing he is not a Christian.

I need more time to process. Right now I'm cursing Gary. I don't think that I'm ready to date someone because the whole time I kept forcing myself.

Tomorrow will be a good chance to talk some more. Maybe he'll grow on me.
For now, I must sleep.

Nervous

Nervous, nervous, nervous.

bowling scores

Tuesday night I rolled 109, 127, and 155.
Tonight, I rolled 124, 142, and 181.

Can't wait for tomorrow!

D-A-T-E

Daring to
Allow someone
To get to know
Everything about me

I have a date tomorrow.
We're going bowling and to dinner.
Marc is his name.
I CAN'T WAIT!

No Sex and the City

OK, so I sat in my Weight Watchers meeting and cried today.
My leader thought I was crying about my 6 pound weight gain.
(did I mention that there were only 4 people at the meeting?)

I wasn't crying about the weight gain. (Although I should--6 pounds in 6 days--come on!)
What was I crying about?

MEN.
Will I ever find someone who loves me and wants to be with me, yet will wait to have sex with me, yet loves to drink beer? I was crying because I was crying. I'm unhappy with my dating life, I'm unhappy at work, I'm unhappy with my church. I am such an emotional mess. I have to do something to get over this. But, what? I'll tell you what ISN'T working--eating, that's for sure. I will say that I'm thinking about seeing a counselor. I'm not talking about my preacher... he has an agenda--as does any minister. I'm talking about finding a "talking doctor" to go to. My insurance covers it.

It also has me thinking about New Year's Resolutions.
I'm thinking about giving up men for the new year; taking a year off. I don't know what that would prove, but it might make me focus on more important things. I'm also thinking of imposing a year long bedtime for myself. I'm thinking 9:00. Is it possible to be in bed by 9:30 for 365 days in a row? I'm not so sure.

What is your resolution?

Bowling

OK, so Tracy and I went bowling.
Two reasons:
1. To use the bowling ball that Gary got me and not feel bad about it.
2. To practice up before my big date with MARC.

It was fun. I bowled a 109, 127, 157. Roll on.

Then, we went to a local watering hole. I had an "electric lemonade" which knocked me on my ass! It was fun and I didn't like the taste of it, but MAN it was ELECTRIC.

Gary and I had a fight today, but I'll blog about it later.

Contemplating

It has been very close to a month since the break-up, and I am finding that I've not taken it very well. I wanted to keep my dignity and wait for him to realize how dumb he is. When I call him or text him, I'm not giving him that chance. I haven't quite closed the gap between heartbroken ex girlfriend and psycho, but I've found myself teetering on the edge.

I want to be able to say that I've done nothing wrong.

Yesterday, Christmas Day, all that I wanted was to talk to him. I wanted him to call me. So, later in the day, I sent a text. He responded a few times, and then we were done. I was too proud to call.

He is my measuring stick. I went to a party on Friday. There was a single guy there who people have wanted to fix me up with. I was friendly and tried to be open about it. The whole time, I kept thinking about how he wasn't Gary. I was comparing him and his traits to Gary. Will it always be like this?

Merry Day After Christmas.

L-O-V-E

Leaving yourself
Open and
Vulnerable
Entirely

I love Christmas on Christmas Eve

My sister and bro-in-law got me:
Two beautiful pairs of silver earrings
A wooden replica of Beaver Stadium to add to my PSU collection
Cool, thick socks

My parents got me:
3 lb weights
Mary Kay brush set
2 sets of towels (including the BIG bath sheets that I LOVE)
Flannel sheets....with these cute penguins on them
A fuzzy green blanket for my bed
Some weird soaps
A shop vac!

I think that I got every single thing on my Christmas list!
I'm so thankful.
Oh wait, I just checked. I got everything but the subscription to InStyle magazine, I guess I"ll have to suck it up and get that for myself! ;)

Amen!

My stomach hurts

Irresistable

Happy
Alive
Vuluptuous
Entertaining

Amorous

Warm
Intelligent
Lovely
Devoted

Hold dear
Excitable
Affectionate
Remarkable
Tender

Missing you

Are you missing me?
I'm totally missing you.

I hate feeling like this. I just want to be with you.

Why are men so stupid?

To do:

1. Get oil changed in car.
2. Grocery store...food & pictures.
3. Tally up Susan's debt.
5. Pay Gannon (Merry Christmas)
6.Work out with Allison.
7. Lunch with Amy (?)
8. Christmas cookie party at Karen's.
9.Dinner at Jeannie's.

I'm hoping to get 5 or 6 of these finished. All would be FABULOUS!
Oh yeah, I'm planning to bake some bread, too.

Lonely

Longing to be held
Only you I want
No one
Else is
Like
You

Marc, the bowler

So, Jeff says to me today, "Marc and I are going bowling to shake off the cobwebs before we go with you!" How cute.

Jeff then says, "I told him what you said about losing and he says he can handle it, but I can't." When Jeff had suggested bowling, I had said, "Can Marc handle losing to a girl?"

I'm so glad that I have this to look forward to.

Today, I'm numb.

So, today I'm torn.
I was trying so hard to keep my dignity.
I'm not sure that I did that yesterday.

I'm going to wait until Christmas. (Which is only 6 days away-- egads!)

The gift

The gift was his favorite movie. He didn' t own it. The movie Airplane!

I bought if from Amazon. It came the day after we broke up. It was such a hassle to return it. Plus, I really wanted him to have it.

I gave him a gift

My gift made him feel bad
Although I wanted that
Really now I feel sad
Y can't I be mean?

Anyway, I got in a few shots
Letting him know how I feel
I wish things were different
Cause we were a match made in heaven
Eventually, I'll find someone new... I hope!

OB GYN

New doctor today.

I love watching the faces of doctors and nurses when they say, "What medication do you take? " and my answer is "No." "What kind of birth control do you use?" "None."

Today, I got a bonus when at separate times, I was asked, "Have you ever had an abnormal pap smear?" My answer has been, "I never had one before." THE SHOCK! THE HORROR!

Anyway, he says it looks normal, I'll know for sure in a few weeks. He says that we need to get me on some birth control so that we don't have an unwanted pregnancy. It wasn't worth telling him that we have no worries.

OH--the nurse at the desk asked me if this was on my insurance or my husband's. How rude! Single women go to the OBGYN.

Today's Acrostic

Marc
Andy
Ryan
Yogi

Allen
Leroy
Ian
Chad
Eric

Many men
Always options
Round the corner
Years may change me

Always wonder
Learning too much
I hate heartbreak
Can't wait for "the one"
Exhausted from looking

I thought this was kinda cool.

I wasn't ready

So, I really wanted to see Mike and MK's new house and the things that they are doing in it.
Yesterday, I thought I would "stop in" and see the progress.
I ran out, pulled in, saw Gary's car, but not Mike's truck. So, I called them. They had just left and were running some errands and would be back in an hour.

OK, so Gary said he would call me when they got back. I went to my parents' house to help my dad with a few things. Gary called and I went out.

Mike was the same guy. Joking, teasing, talking.
Gary was very reserved. As I got the tour of the house, he sort of stayed a step behind - which meant I couldn't see him. He treated me like we were buddies....not like he just broke my heart. When I was leaving, Mike said, "I don't know if I'll see you before Christmas, so Merry Christmas." Gary said, "Yeah, Merry Christmas." They were waving these friendly waves.

It made me so sad. It just hurt me so bad that it was the first time I'd seen Gary and he acted like nothing had happened. He didn't seem to care about me. I just wasn't ready for that.

Considering...

Ok, I'm considering moving the big date up to the week between Christmas and New Year's. Although I must admit that I like the anticipation much better than the rejection that usually comes from a blind date.

Eh..we'll see.

I already blogged today, but....

Good things that came from dating Gary:
1. Realizing that I am good at being a couple.
2. I have to be true to myself.
3. Sexy Victoria Secret underwear ARE SUPER! (I thought $6 for a 6 pack at Walmart was good, but nu uh--these are fabulous!)
4. It is OK to love sports....men like that.
5. It is sexy that I like sports.
6. Some men find it sexy when you come on strong!

I guess those are good things....I'll add more as I think of them!

What's the big whoop de doo?

OK, so while I'm still loving and missing Gary every single day.....I know that I totally need a distraction....MAN WISE.

In August, a friend from work called and asked to set me up with his cousin. (I had asked this friend months before if he knew any good guys.) At the time that he called, I was seeing Gary, so I had to say No.

So, last week, I asked him if his cousin was still single. He said YES and LET'S SET SOMETHING UP. He wants to go bowling. (I think that 60-70% of my first dates have been bowling, but whatever, I like it.) I said that I wanted to wait until after January 1 because the holidays are a tough time to start dating someone. (Plus, I would only compare him to Gary and that's not fair.)

I'm slowly gathering data. He is 30....went to Mercer H.S. (so no matter what, is a decent guy)... owns a home (I know this from my Google search of him).... drives a truck... likes to hunt and fish... is a construction worker/drives big equipment.....the last part had me slightly concerned because I've gone out with guys like this before and been judged because I'm educated. However, I was willing to give it a shot. I was nervous and wondering what he thought. So, I sent Jeff (the guy I work with) an email asking if Marc was up for bowling. The response? I COULDN'T STOP SMILING......

"Absolutely, He can't wait! The first time I mentioned you to him, he got excited, but then you were already dating someone. So he is happy just to get a chance. "

I CAN'T WAIT! YEAH! This may be just what I needed!

Disappointed and getting mad

He is so dumb. He doesn't know what he is missing.
Another person said today, "What is wrong with that guy?"

Amen.

Going on 12 or 13 days

Acrostic

Maybe I'll never find someone better
Although I've been told otherwise
Really not looking forward to more blind dates
Yet I'm already being set up

Almost want to tell him
Like it would make him jealous
I want him to beg forgiveness
Cause I'd take him back in a heartbeat
Eric, Marc, or Gary?

20 Questions

Borrowed from Jackass Jen, a random girl who commented on my blog and now I check hers regularly....

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? I've never had egg nog.
2. Did you ever do anything for Santa? Nope.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Well, growing up we always had white. I wanted colored, but now my roommate has colored (half burned out) and I wish we had white. Go figure.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? I always wanted to.
5. When do you put your decorations up? Thanksgiving weekend. This year, Thanksgiving.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Stuffing.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? I loved Christmas at my favorite uncle's. The windows were steamy from all of the hot food, it smelled delicious and he was wearing shorts because he was always too hot!
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I was in about 4th grade and my younger sister told me. She ruined lots of stuff--she even gave me the chicken pox!
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We used to open everything but the stocking on Christmas Eve.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? With ornaments filled with memories. Some are so ugly. My mom always called that the "memory tree."
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it. Love the first snow, love when it is deep, hate it in March and April.
12. Can you ice skate? Yes.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Nope.
14. What's the most exciting thing about the holidays for you? Nothing.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? It might be the cheeseball.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Don't have one.
17. What tops your tree? An angel ornament.
18. Which do you prefer give or receive? I'd rather give. I never get what I really want.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? The Little Drummer Boy, that David Bowie duet one.
20. Candy Canes? Overrated. I like just one a year.....in hot chocolate.

I just don't know.

So, I know that in order to move on, I have to start thinking about someone new. Not that I'm ready to date, but I have to think about it.

First, I love Gary. If I ever want there to be a reconciliation, then I need to NOT BE PSYCHO. I need to give him the space that he needs to work through his issues.

A guy I work with wanted to fix me up with his cousin. He asked me soon after I started dating Gary. Last night, I sent him an email asking about the cousin. Today, we decided that we'll go out in January. I chose Jan because 1. I'm not ready yet and 2. it is hard to meet someone at the holiday time. Awkward.

Then, Gary called me tonight. He wanted to know about my doctor's visits. We talked for like 20 minutes. It was really, really good. It made me feel good that he still cares about me. It also made me realize that I still love him. I need to let him realize what he is missing. I need to be charming and beautiful and smart and let him pant. I can do it, I can do it!

Grasping at straws

Ok.
Today, I'm wanting to call Gary. I don't know why. Well, I do know why. I miss him.

I was even thinking of asking if he needs his hair cut. (Since I do that for him and I'm sure it is time.)

He hasn't contacted me, though, so I need to remind myself that that must mean he doesn't want to see me. I HATE THAT.

Anyway, I should go do something productive, like wrap presents.

MAS

Distraction

OK, I'm nuts.
I agreed (suggested) to movies with Tom. (I'm nuts--I know!)
He came over tonight. I picked up pizza and he got the movie and pop.
We had a relaxing night with a few interruptions. The first? The neighbors upstairs "making whoopee." I heard the banging and Tom slowly looks at me and says, "....uh, I think your neighbors are...." "They are," I say! He says, "Want me to bang on the ceiling? I can reach." I say, "NO--I want you to turn up the TV!"

Number two? Someone trys to turn around in my driveway and gets stuck. Well, they want to back out and they keep sliding down. This is making Tom nervous as his truck would be what stopped them from sliding into my garage. Finally, he goes out and helps push them out of the driveway.

OK, so my point. I needed a distraction from missing Gary (although I was missing him the whole evening) and that's what I was doing with Tom. So, I decided (like I always do) that I don't need to be with him and that he isn't the one for me. ESPECIALLY because he was telling me about some girl named Melissa who he is going Christmas shopping with tomorrow.

The stunner was this: On his way out, he asked me to go to the movies on Sunday. I swear he has a 6th sense......when I don't want him, here he comes LOUD AND STRONG!

I'll never find someone like Gary.

I had to call him.

Sorry--I wasn't home last night to blog.
I called him Wednesday, around 5:00.
He answered, seemed pleasant, and said that he was cutting his Christmas tree at that moment and wanted to call me back. I said fine.
He called as I was walking into a Tastefully Simple party, so I asked him to call in a few hours.
We ended up talking around 9:00.

Many things were said. I guess what I got from it was that he doesn't care about me. He was trying to, but he didn't---at least that's what he said. He said that I was more invested than he was. I said, "what do you mean?" He said, "Our feelings weren't the same." I said, "You know I wasn't planning a wedding!" He said that he knew but that my feelings were growing and his weren't. I cried, which made me mad. I told him that I couldn't change my feelings. He said he knew that I was mad that he hadn't called me when he got my text. I said, "I'm not mad-- I want to be mad, but I'm just hurt and confused."

So, last night, I called to apologize. He didn't answer--not surprising. I just left a message that said that I didn't want all of our conversations to end like Wednesday's and that I would work harder to avoid that in the future.

I need to not call anymore though because I want to keep my dignity. I'm grasping at straws. At this point, I feel like I haven't done anything wrong. If I begin to go psycho, then he'll have reason to not want to be with me.

I hate that he did this to me.

TEXT

Ok, I sent a text at about 9:30 that said,
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!"


and I didn't hear back.

Madder by the day....

This is his plan!
He isn't calling me because he knows I'll get madder as each day passes!

It is working. I'm pissed.

OR he thinks I'll call him when I'm ready. I won't. At least not right now. I'm getting good at not calling him first.

Sad, mad, and HURT

OK, our last words on Thursday were:
Me: I hope you'll call me.
Him: I will. I'll give you a few days before I do.

OK......that was Thursday. I didn't expect to hear from him over the weekend, but COME ON! It is Monday night---HE SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME BY NOW!

So now, I'm worrying.....
1. Has he not called me because he thinks I'm still too upset?
2. Has he not called me because he is too upset?
3. Does he think I'm mad?
4. Is he mad?

What is funny. Today, I was thinking that maybe I'd ask him if we could just consider this a break and reconsider in January. I hate that I'm all or nothing, but wanting to wait. I hate that he has done this me!

His Acrostic

Good grief!
Asinine
Rash
Yellow bellied

2 days now....new acrostic

Mad
Angry
Ranting and raving
Yearning to yell

Annoyed
Livid
Infuriated
Cross
Enraged

How to react...

So, he is supposed to call me in a few days.
I hope he doesn't. I can't be just friends. I told him from the start, ALL OR NOTHING.
When he does, what do I say? I cannot act like the last 5 months haven't happened. I cannot cry and beg him to reconsider. (Like I would do that, anyway.)
I guess there really isn't anything TO say. If I yell, all that does is make me look bad. If I don't say anything, well then, he can't say anything bad about me. That's really what I want....him to be the idiot who doesn't know what he gave up. NO--I want him to be the idiot who kicks himself for what he gave up.

acrostic

Mourning the loss of a friendship/relationship
Angry at him for not seeing my value
Really destroyed
Yearning to be loved

Always left out
Loves, but not loved
Injured heart
Can’t understand
Entirely broken hearted

My heart is broken....

Please send hate mail to garyaharrah@yahoo.com

Make the subject: You stupid idiot.

Make the message say: You have no idea what you have just tossed away. You will never, never, never find someone better than Mary Alice. You won't get her back either. And all that crap you were saying about valuing the friendship and hoping it continues...? Kiss it goodbye, too because she will not be friends with you after you have broken her heart. Another thing...don't think that she bought that shit you were selling about how you don't like how you were treating her so you didn't want to do it anymore. You were right about one thing - she doesn't deserve to be treated like this!

I don't like having a broken heart.

Good News? Bad News? News News?

Ok, went to the doctor.
1. Blood tests came back fine.....my hormones are good. (?)
2. Ultrasound came back....3.3 cm cyst on remaining ovary. Will watch for 3 months and have another ultrasound.
3. Mammogram came back....lumps were just dense cells.
4. Had the pap smear today.....wasn't easy....apparently a "tilted cervix" makes life difficult. The doctor THINKS she got what she needs. I need to call back in week (if I don't hear) to see if she was able to get the right stuff. If yes, and results were good, I can start birth control pills to regulate my menses---and avoid pregnancy, should Gary change his mind. If no, I have to go to a specialist who knows how to deal with weirdo cervixes.

Good news? Bad news? You decide.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb

So, once again, I tried to kiss Gary and he kissed me once and then turned his head.
I said, "why, why do you do that?"
He said, "What?"
I said, "Kiss me and then turn your head. It makes me feel like you don't want to."
He said, "It isn't that."
I said, "well, it makes me feel like you don't like me."

He said, "OH."

Could he seriously be so dumb as to think that by him "holding out" for the last 4 weeks that I wouldn't feel rejected?

I can't believe that I feel like the teenage boy whose girlfriend is a tease.

Redemption?

Ok, so I talked to Gary again last night.
I feel better, but that happens.

This last month has been SO STRESSFUL for our relationship. I hate that my posts are not positive. They used to be.

He is coming home today instead of tomorrow---I knew that would happen. I made plans with my friend Carrie for tonight. He wasn't supposed to be home. He sounded disappointed when I said I was busy--I DON'T GET IT!

I wish there was an easy way to be in a relationship.

Happy Thanksgiving

1. Does anyone actually read this ? I haven't had a comment in days!

2. Happy Thanksgiving. I'm stuffed. I didn't even eat any stuffing.

3. Inconsiderate. That's my latest description of my little bf. I had all of those tests yesterday, cried for a week about them, made him feel the LUMP, and he didn't even call me to see how they went. We talk every single day. Yesterday, our communication consisted of me sending a text wondering if he had made it safe to his Thanksgiving destination and him saying yes and then him sending me a text much later in the evening to say that he had joined the Legion. (This last part tells me that he was drinking there to celebrate the membership!) Finally, around 11:00, I sent him a text that said, "Can you believe that my bf didn't even call me to see how my tests went?" This morning, first thing, I get a call that starts with "I'm so sorry." He tried to say that he didn't know I would get results --LIKE IT MATTERS--when someone who is 31 gets a mammogram for the first time, it does not matter if she gets results. I cried for a week about these tests. I told him on Tuesday that he makes me feel insecure because he doesn't seem to care (which he debated) and THEN HE DOESN'T CALL ME! He was so apologetic. Finally, he said, "You are mad." I said, "Not mad, hurt and ...." He said, "disappointed." HELL YES! Is it wrong to want a boyfriend who understands your fear and wants to reassure you and check on you! I AM NOT NEEDY, but this was important!

4. I feel like all I do lately is write about how I don't feel good in this relationship. I've been thinking lately that maybe I need to take a break. I love him and want to be with him, but do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? The answer is NO. Actually the answer is "I DESERVE MORE!"

5. I think I'm going to put up my tree and put the lights on it, then take a little nap.

Happy Thanksgiving

Medical Questions ?

Ok, just got home from the mammogram.

The doctor who read the pictures says, "Well, nothing showed up and if you aren't feeling anything (which I told him that I felt it after my doctor pointed it out) then I won't order an ultrasound. If your doctor wants to do that, she can. I think it is normal. " SO--this confuses me a little. My doctor pointed it out and I do feel it.

I see my doctor next Wednesday. I'm going to say this to her: "If you felt it and I felt it, why is there nothing on the pictures?"

Denise Austin - HATE HER!

OK, so I'm on this "Reader Advisory Panel" for Women's Health magazine.
I participate in discussions about women's issues.
I just got a new fitness DVD in the mail. I'm to try it three times and fill out a questionnaires. I just did it for the first time. I haven't done Denise for a while. She is good....but so perky that it seems she might be possessed? Have you seen those eyes? She does this one rotating move on a fitness ball and is moaning these words of encouragement.....I thought I was watching a porno! I know it sounded like one!

Work Day

MY stud?

Work Day

HIS PARENTS...

are so nice.
I had fun and I think they liked me.

I'm anxious to get the report tomorrow, although men aren't so good at reporting.

Don't neglect thyself.

So, I haven't been to the OBGYN for 16 years.

I went today.

After my initial scolding, here is the conclusion:
1. must return in 2 weeks for pap smear.
2. must have ultrasound next week due to history of ovarian cysts.
3. must have blood work due to history of ovarian cysts.
4. must have mammogram due to lump found in breast.

I cried.
Now, I have to find out where to get blood work, where to get mammograms, and how to keep myself together.
I'm not telling my parents.

Meet the Parents

I get to meet his parents next Friday.....

I'm so nervous!
What do I wear?
What do I say?
What do I eat? What do I drink?

Will I ever stop overthinking things?

It bothered him!

So, tonight, after 2 nights of not talking to Gary, I went to his apartment.
I told him that I had needed time to come to a few conclusions: 1. he needs to decide if he can get over this hurt and 2. I need to decide if I can wait for that.
His response? It would have been nice if you had told me that.
I said: I didn't want to cry anymore to you and I didn't want to rehash it.
He said: A text would have been nice.
I said I was sorry.
When I was leaving, I asked for a hug.
As he was hugging me, he said, "Don't ever do that again."
I feel so much better.

I can't stand it.

I finally found someone who I love
and HE IS DAMAGED
and can't get over it.

Planned Ignoring

OK, I cried myself to sleep last night.

I have decided, but couldn't tell him, yet, that I need a little break.

I can't talk to him every day and see him, yet not be appreciated.
So, I decided yesterday that I'm not taking his calls. (I know it is childish.)
He called me at 8:00 and I didn't take it. Then, he sent me a text at 8:45 and I didn't respond.

So, today, at 4:30, he calls me again and leaves another message. It sounded a little bit like he getting that I'm not calling him back.

I'm hoping that he doesn't call again tonight, because I'm afraid that I might answer.
I need to decide if I can wait for him and continue to feel nonappreciated.
I'm not sure that I can.

How I'm Feeling

He is scared.

Ok, we met at Dunkin Donuts (a neutral place) tonight.
I cried and he said, "Is this really the place to talk about this?"
We moved to my car and I said what I went to say:
1. It makes me feel bad when you don't appreciate my cards.
2. It makes me feel bad that you don't want to be with me on Thanksgiving.
3. If you don't see this going anywhere, you better let me know right now!

His response: "I am usually the one giving and not receiving and I don't know what to do when you are nice to me. I do appreciate the cards, but I don't know how to tell you. I don't know why I let you give to me, but I can't open up to you."

He said, "I do want to be with you, but I don't know why I can't open up."

I said, "Yes, you do know why! You don't want to get hurt like you were before."
He just hung his head.

We left things with him saying he needs time. He said that I'm good at giving him alone time and time with his friends. I asked if he feels like he HAS to be with me. He says, "No, but I hate being alone and you being alone in your apartment or you working on a Saturday."

He says that he doesn't want to lead me on. He says that he promises to tell me if he doesn't see this going anywhere and he apologized for making me feel this way.

One more thing: he says that I'm right that he is scared. ( Last week, he said that he doesn't know what is wrong with him and I said, "I think you like me and that scares you.")

Perspective

OK, I've cried and prayed. I feel a calmness now. I have some perspective.
He is doing just what he did to me in July....Close, at least.
He said it last night...."Things were so intense and going so fast."
He likes me--no, he LOVES me and that scares him!

So, now, I am going to just pray and work on that for myself and make him BEG TO KISS ME!

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

All I wanted was to know that I am important to him.
I told him that.
He felt bad.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
I cried some more.
I'm so tired of crying.

He says, "Well, I didn't want to insist that you see me tonight. I wanted to take you out to dinner." At 5:04 pm I got a text message that said, "you eat yet?" My friends had badgered me all day -- wanted to make sure that I wasn't alone tonight. At 5:00 I had agreed to have dinner with one of them. When I told him that I had plans, he said, "Ok." HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY OK! He is supposed to say that he had plans to take me out to dinner! I told him that. His response? "I'm not the type of person who says 'No, I wanted to be with you.'" I said, "Well, it made me feel like I'm not important to you."

This sucks.

Bad Influence

Ok, so I'm feeling pretty bad about myself.
He has been a little grouchy lately.
I was getting the feeling that he didn't want to be with me.
I called him a little while ago. We had some small chit chat. Finally, I asked him if he was going to watch "the game" alone. He asked me if I wanted to watch it with him. I said, "Umm. Maybe. I get the feeling that you are feeling smothered by me." He said, "A little."

We went on to talk and he says he feels like he isn't focusing on God. He made sure to say that he wasn't totally blaming me (which means he is partially blaming me, I guess). He kept saying that he doesn't want our relationship to be like everyone else's. I made him tell me specifically what he meant. It all comes down to SEX. He acknowledged that he sends me mixed messages. Of course, I cried. I didn't want to, but the tears came out. I felt bad for my part in this and I felt bad because I didn't want it to change.

He wants to get a Christian dating book. I told him that I hate those books because they aren't designed for adults! They are written for teenagers and some of the things in there are unrealistic for adults.

So, now, I have a headache and I don't know what to do. To make matters worse, tomorrow is my birthday and I don't know if I'll see him. AND I don't know if I want to.

He kept asking if I was mad. Not mad, hurt.
Dating is hard.

Stressed

Ok, I feel pulled in WAY too many directions.
School, extras, grad school, friends, roommate, boyfriend....etc.
Somethings gotta' give.
What do I do?

I spend so much time at school worrying about stuff that isn't classroom related. I think the classroom suffers.

HOW IN THE HELL DO I TELL MY BOSS THAT I CAN'T DO MY JOB BECAUSE OF MY JOB?

Space? Alone time?

Ok, it has never been a secret that he needs to be alone sometimes. My question is this: how can I give him time away from me without feeling rejected? I was away this weekend, which I know he was excited about. We decided to come home early--for multiple reasons. I could tell that he wasn't thrilled about that. I told him that we didn't have to see each other....which he was reluctant to agree to. He knew that I wanted to see him. I don't want him to resent me, though, so I said we didn't have to see each other. He told me that he didn't want to be a jerk, but he really just wanted to sit on his couch alone.

Fine. So, I'm trying to be ok with that. I'm watching TV, I'm playing on the computer, I'm thinking of calling someone else to go out with. Then, he sends me a text that says, "Thanks for being understanding." I wanted to scream, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I didn't respond at all. I think that if he wants alone time, we aren't going to talk during it. So, I watched the PSU game and did laundry.

Today, I get up and he sent me a text at 9:00 AM that said, "Brrr, can you help to warm me up?" (His apartment is cold.) It ticked me off. I sent him a response that said, "Tease."

I just don't get it. I don't get me, either.